How to Do IEP Meetings the Right Way

It’s that time again. Nathan’s year-end IEP meeting is tomorrow.

Just the thought of it gives me a headache and a bit of anxiety – do IEP meetings make you feel the same way? This year’s IEP meeting is going to be more stressful for me than the past few, because it’s a transition year. Nathan will be moving from the elementary school – where he’s been since he was three – to the intermediate school. He’ll be on a different campus with a different administration, different teachers, and different aides. He’s not great with change…and neither am I.

I won’t go into tomorrow’s meeting happy, relaxed, and excited about the opportunities. I’ve been attending IEP meetings every year since 2005, so I know what to expect: sadness, guilt, anxiety, and frustration. Even after all of these years I still dread the annual commemoration of the death of my dreams (and yes, I know, I really do need to get over myself!) All of that say what we’re all thinking:

IEP meetings honk.

But because our kids are different from the masses of typical children who get herded through the public education system, they get to have an individualized education plan, much to our chagrin. Hmmm. Hold on a minute. This thing that I dread Every. Single. Year. is actually a benefit? Something they “get to” have? Maybe characterizing it as “special treatment for my exceptional child” will be the spoonful of sugar that helps the IEP medicine go down!

No. Because IEP meetings honk.

I’ve heard lots of horror stories over the years, and I’ve done my fair share of grumbling about goings-on at the schools. But most of the IEP meetings I’ve attended weren’t nearly as bad as I expected, and I actually left a few with a smile on my face. I attributed Sarah Kate’s easy meetings to the fact that SHE was easy – her needs basically boiled down to “she needs to be able to walk slow and have a helper sometimes”. Now that I’ve been on this merry-go-round with Nathan for a few years, I believe our success has more to do with our philosophy and how we approach the school and his education.

Here’s my advice for those of you running the IEP marathon this spring:

1. Remember that the IEP is a team effort.

It can feel like a David and Goliath moment when you walk in and see 78 people gathered around the table (okay, it’s not really 78, but you’re WAY outnumbered). But every one of those people at the table is there because they need to be – some by law, some by knowledge. Is your child in both mainstream and special education classes? Then you need a teacher from both in the meeting. Receives speech therapy at school? A therapist needs to be there. Transitioning from one school to another? You’ll need someone from each school in the meeting. That’s just the way it is, and it’s the same way at every public school in the country.

2. Understand that everyone on the IEP team has a different perspective, and that’s a good thing.

The school staff doesn’t know your child as well as you do, which can be a disadvantage, but they do have some advantages over you. They are familiar with the school’s facilities, the dismissal procedures, the makeup of their classes, and the flow of the day, and they know all of these things because they chose careers in education (and some of them may have been in that school teaching kids since long before your child was born).

Here’s something else they know that you don’t: how your child functions in the school environment. You don’t have and can’t get that piece of information because you aren’t there. Trust that in some instances, they may actually know better than you.

Extremely rare nightmare stories aside, no one chooses a career in special education to get rich. They may be tired, overworked, or even a little bit jaded, but they are there because they chose to spend their days with the kids who need a little extra help.

3. Emphasize the end goals you have in mind for your child, not the specifics of how to get there.

It’s tempting to go in and declare that your child should receive X accommodation or Y service. Why wouldn’t you? You’ve researched all the available options and X or Y seems like the best! Brainstorming options is good, but if you have an open mind you may be surprised to find that the team has ideas you haven’t considered, and those ideas may be better than what you came up with on your own.

It’s also tempting to ask for more than you need so you’ll get what you want – a standard negotiation tactic for buying a car – but I don’t advise it. Don’t ever forget that your child’s education is a marathon, not a sprint, so it’s important to set the “I’m reasonable” tone in the beginning.

4. Choose not to be the squeaky wheel (most of the time).

Every school’s resources are limited – some more than others – and with limited resources, things will go awry. Stuff happens. People make mistakes. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If Nathan misses PE with his mainstream class one day because the aide wasn’t able to take him because another kid had a meltdown and the aide had to assist, well…that’s a bummer. Small stuff. Sometimes you’ll need to squeak a little, but choose your battles and play the long game (remember: marathon, not sprint). Not every hill is worth dying on.

BONUS TIP: When you can, choose to be the grease.

I loathe field trips, and I simply cannot comprehend the thought process of moms who are actually EXCITED to go on field trips with their children. I loved using the “I’m sorry, but I can’t chaperone because I have a baby at home” excuse for Sarah Kate’s field trips. Now that Nathan is the one taking the field trips, I try to sweet talk Mr. Andi into taking vacation to go (feel free to judge me).

My distaste for field trips was exacerbated when I rode the bus on one of Nathan’s field trips in the first grade (be warned: TMI ahead!) and I spent several minutes heaving into a plastic bag when we were still a good half hour away from our destination (and bonus – I had to walk around in damp shorts for the entire day because all that heaving, um, impacted my bladder, as well). I WISH I WAS KIDDING.

But I go on field trips because I know the school needs the help. There aren’t enough aides for all of the kids who need them, and if they send an aide just for Nathan, then other kids lose that aide for an entire day. I want my child to have everything he needs, but not at another child’s expense, so I go on the field trips and avail myself of the “following the bus in my car” option whenever possible.

IEP meetings honk.

There’s no way around it, because the whole point is to identify all of the ways your child struggles and figure out the best way to accommodate him. Most days you rock along, comfortable in your new normal (even though it’s anything but normal for most people), and then these events like IEP meetings come along and jolt you out of your comfort zone. It’s rough, I’m not going to lie.

But your child gets to have an individualized education plan!

Before 1975, when the precursor to the Individual with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) was passed, only one out of five children with disabilities in the US were accommodated in public schools. Some children were explicitly excluded by law from school – including blind and deaf children and those with intellectual disabilities. Kids who were allowed to go to school were often segregated from their peers and didn’t receive beneficial instruction.

But now your child and mine get to have an individualized education plan!

Having a child with a disability opens your eyes to a lot of things. The deficiencies in our public education system, the widespread issue of illegal parking in disability spaces, the staggering statistics on abortion of children diagnosed with Down syndrome, and the sheer number of people who engage in habitual jackassery were just a few of the surprises that awaited me when I became a special needs mom. These injustices led me to speak out early and often on behalf of the disability community.

But here’s the thing: I’m only one person, and the people who live in my house are my priority. I’d love to change the world, and I’ll encourage my children to leave their mark in a positive way. But my children need to be prepared to live in this world the way it is, not the way I’d like it to be. The most important thing with regard to Nathan’s education is that HE GETS ONE, and the IEP meeting is part of the process to reach that goal. 

Maybe you’ll follow all of my advice and still walk out of the next IEP meeting sad, frustrated, and angry (maybe I’ll follow my own advice and feel the same way). If that happens, dust yourself off and move on, but not before following one more piece of advice, a gem I picked up years ago from my friend Joey: if you have to make assumptions about someone’s motivations, try to assume the scenario that makes you smile.

It’s IEP season. Good luck.