The “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal revealed how brazen a group of wealthy parents chose to be – lying, cheating, and bribery were the cornerstones of efforts to get their children admitted to colleges they had no business attending (and, in some cases, didn’t even want to attend). Widespread outrage followed because the story confirmed what many already believed: that the deck is stacked against anyone who doesn’t have immense wealth and/or power. It’s high drama, to be sure, and some experts believe the Operation Varsity Blues scandal is just the tip of the iceberg. It touches on issues of power and fairness and privilege and hypocrisy.
Lori Loughlin is a rich target for critics because of the squeaky-clean Aunt Becky/Hallmark Channel public persona she’s acquired over the years. Scattered throughout an interview with Your Teen Magazine from about five years ago, you’ll find these quotes from Loughlin (emphasis mine):
On How She Was Raised:
…I have a nice, down-to-earth family with no sense of entitlement. I was raised to be a grateful and courteous human being.
On How She’s Raising Her Kids:
…it’s important just to be a good human being and put your best foot forward because certainly, like my grandmother used to say, ‘We all came into the world the same way, and we will all leave in the same way, and no one is more special or better than the next guy.’ That’s what I try to instill in my kids.
On Being Famous:
I always tell my girls that being famous isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You know, being a good person, working hard, achieving goals — that’s what it’s all about.
Her words don’t ring true in light of the current allegations. But the authenticity disconnect between Loughlin’s image and her private reality was just the beginning. Her choices destroyed her daughter’s life, too.
Loughlin’s daughter had over 1.3 million followers on Instagram, nearly 2 million YouTube subscribers, and business relationships with top brands such as Amazon and Sephora, but instead of encouraging her daughter to set her sights on a different university (or postpone college for a few years) so that she could continue her burgeoning career, Loughlin paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to force a square peg social media influencer into the round academic hole of USC.
Loughlin couldn’t let her daughter be authentically herself, and as a result, everything her daughter built is now gone.
Sarah Kate is a good-natured kid, well-liked by other kids and respected by her teachers, but she’s also an introvert, a nerd, and a non-typical teen girl because she doesn’t give a rip about clothes, hair, or makeup. Do I wish she would put on a little color and not go to bed with wet hair so she won’t look like a homeless person when she goes to school? YES, I DO. VERY MUCH. But “looking cute” doesn’t make her a better person, so I (mostly) let her be herself and don’t nag her about it too much.
She is also an excellent student, which could open a lot of doors for her in terms of college admissions. Could she get into Georgetown or Yale? It makes no difference, because she doesn’t want to go to Georgetown or Yale. Right now her potential college list includes Auburn, Southern Miss, Florida State, Mississippi State, and Tulane because she wants to go somewhere within a few hours’ drive of home. Why? Because she loves her family (actually, Nathan) and doesn’t want to be too far away from us (okay, Nathan), and if she still feels that way in 2021, we will support her decision because she will make it from a place of knowing herself – her needs, desires, strengths, and weaknesses.
It could go without saying (but I’ll say it, anyway…) that I’m proud of the person Sarah Kate becoming, and I love being a part of Nathan’s “entourage” with his beaming smiles and hugs for everyone. I’ve worked hard to raise good humans! But I can’t take full credit, because I believe their disabilities make it easier for my kids to be authentically themselves. Sarah Kate can never blend into a crowd, and at this point she doesn’t even try; Nathan really doesn’t know any other way to be. Disability gave them the gift of authenticity, but I know that at any point along the way they can make choices which lead them down the wrong path.
Because authenticity is not enough.
Mr. Andi and I expect Sarah Kate to be kind, make wise choices, and work hard to achieve her goals. Countless times I’ve said, “You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you must be kind to everyone”, as well as some variation of “How bad do you want it?” She knows that judging others harshly isn’t acceptable, achievement requires hard work, and (unfortunately) hard work doesn’t always pay off in the end, but it’s still worth doing.
She also understands that following her dreams isn’t a bad thing, but it can never be at the expense of another person, and it’s important to honestly assess her strengths and weaknesses when deciding where to put her focus. She would love to follow in the footsteps of the physical therapists who’ve helped her over the years, but the physical demands of being a PT aren’t a good fit for her, so she’s considering other medical avenues for helping children – speech therapist, optometrist, audiologist. Of course, sometimes your weaknesses can be used to your advantage – if she chooses a health career working with kids with special needs, her experience will help her connect with the kids and their parents, and if scholarships are available for students like her with physical disabilities you better believe she’ll apply! – but it’s not be okay to use her disability to exploit a person or situation.
Dishonesty – whether with yourself or with other people – isn’t the road to take to get where you want to go.
Authenticity with integrity is.
Dishonesty – whether with yourself or with other people – isn’t the road to take to get where you want to go. Authenticity with integrity is. Share on XWe do our best, but we fight a losing battle to parent perfectly. Each child is different, yes, and requires different parenting approaches, but other factors and life events influence our kids, as well. Both the wider culture and the local environment shape our children, as do teachers, coaches, clergy, and others who interact with them.
But even if all of those outside influences aligned perfectly with my values, the fact remains that I’m no saint, and my parenting fails are too numerous to count. I can’t begin to guess how many times something I’ve said or done has come back to bite me in the butt. I have to admit I’m wrong and say I’m sorry a lot more often than I’d like. But with every mistake, I learn a little more about myself and I work on doing better the next time rather than compounding the original problem by making excuses or justifying my actions because “I’m the mom.”
I know what values are important to me, and in an effort to live up to them, I constantly correct course. It’s the only way to live authentically with integrity.
That’s where I think Lori Loughlin went wrong. Those quotes above? She probably meant every word when she said them five years ago, and I have no doubt that she wanted the best for her daughters when she set out to gain their admission into USC. But somewhere along the way, she got off course, first by choosing a path that didn’t fit them, and then by casting aside her values to follow that path. She never made those corrections that are so important to ensuring we lead authentic lives and that we live them with integrity.
We hear a lot these days about living authentically, but too often “authenticity” is interpreted as “doing (or getting) whatever I want”. But real authenticity isn’t just about what you want, it’s about honestly assessing ourselves – needs, desires, strengths, and weaknesses – and constantly working toward the goal of being the best version of the person God created us to be.
Love this perspective! The focus on the top colleges being the only ones that matter is so unfortunate, especially for the kids.
Did you see the Bloomberg article last week about the top Fortune 500 CEOs and where they went to college? Of the top 20, only one (Amazon’s Jeff Bezos) went to an Ivy, and the top four all went to “state schools” that some people look down on. The point, of course, is that an Ivy degree may help you get your first job, but everything after that is up to you. Here it is: https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2019-03-13/college-admissions-scandal-top-ceos-didn-t-go-to-elite-schools?fbclid=IwAR3fLpL69kcHL_jqQPIUWcZIT1SCfr_hKckWNys0jBs5yr1BdmA_aK4Weg8
My daughter does not have a disability, but her brother has what many would describe as “profound” cp. I think “authentic” also perfectly describes her. I don’t know if it because of her experience growing up with her brother who is completely dependent on others or it’s just a gift of her personality, but she has never followed the crowd. She’s always taken a bit of pride in having her own interests and being a bit counter-cultural with media use/choice. Your perspective is an important one as we take our first campus tour today!
Yes! I’m sure that her experience as a sibling have offered her a view of the world that has helped her develop a maturity and perspective that many other kids don’t have. Good luck with your campus visit – we will be starting those soon!
And, yes.
We are all a culture of one, or a “culture looking for a place to happen”.
Your words about your daughter really highlighted that for me, Rachel.
Personality and experiences do mix in.
And it’s good to choose to be different.
Will be interested to see how the tour[s] reflect what she is looking for in a campus.
Lori Loughlin and others – and yes, that’s you and I – can change the reality that only 2% of Catholic schools are considered fully inclusive [thank you Beth Foraker for your article in Impact winter 2018/19 – and Courtney Hansen for tweeting or Facebooking it!].
“Who’s missing from our parish schools? Students with disabilities are rarely included in Catholic schools. Currently, only 2% of Catholic schools are considered inclusive. There’s a long way to go.” [Foraker 2019]
It was good to read about Mater Dei High School in California in Santa Ana. Charlie’s friends asked for inclusion because they knew it would enrich their experience.
Beth Foraker and The National Catholic Board on Full Inclusion are living their values of authenticity and integrity. I hope these resonate with you too.
“In November 2014, The National Catholic Board on Full Inclusion was launched. Our non-profit has a two-fold purpose to its advocacy. First, we stand with families who have children with physical disabilities or families with children with significant learning needs, including cognitive disabilities, to approach their parish school and ask for admittance. We share what’s possible. We offer educational research: both the overwhelming research (40+ years’ worth) that supports inclusion for these students as well the flip side that’s rarely considered – the research that demonstrates the harmful effects of segregation. We plant the seed that inclusion is possible. The second piece to our advocacy is to stand with the school once they say yes. We offer mentors at every grade level – kindergarten through high school – that are willing to support the school as it begins. Our mentors include inclusion specialists, paraeducators, principals, and parish priests, as well as a network of mentors that have expertise in specific disabilities.
Since 2014, we’ve begun to see significant movement forward on inclusion in Catholic schools. Last year, The National Catholic Educational Association (NCEA), the primary professional organization for Catholic school teachers, with Dr. Mike Boyle from The Greeley Center at Loyola University of Chicago, co-authored a White Paper about inclusion entitled, One Spirit, One Body. This was ground-breaking. For the first time, the NCEA set an expectation that all students should be welcomed in Catholic schools.
Loyola of Chicago’s Greeley Center, Loyola Marymount University, and University of Notre Dame’s Program for Inclusive Education all now offer professional development for Catholic school teachers and administrators. There are advocacy organizations supporting and fundraising for specific dioceses: FIRE, FIRE of Northeast Iowa, EMBRACE, CCSE, One Classroom, and Oregon ICE). Inclusion in Catholic schools is possible.
What does it take to say yes? It takes faith. But, it takes more. It takes learning and using the best practices that are well known to educators: universal design for learning, wait time, visual supports, educational technology, accessing curriculum in alternate ways, presuming competence, and high expectations. More than any of these skills, however, is something bigger: mindset. It’s the core belief that every single student has value – something important to contribute – and that every single student deserves to learn alongside his or her peers.” [Foraker 2019].
Margaret Byrne and Thomas Byrne tell their stories in this same IMPACT.
https://ici.umn.edu/products/impact/312/Family-Journey-of-Inclusion/#Family-Journey-of-Inclusion
https://ici.umn.edu/products/impact/312/I-Have-Great-Friends/#I-Have-Great-Friends
And of course we could take out different elements of the Lori Loughlin YOUR TEENS PARENTING interview. Especially in the ways she talked about her daughters as daughters and students rather than her values as a parent and her contributions to her communities. Those complicated the Aunt Becky/Hallmark image.
Would like to say finally that disability makes authenticity easier but not easy.
It can be about showing our whole selves and being visible and audible. We need more people working with eyes and ears! Optometrists and audiologists are often good at respecting agency.
Sarah Kate’s high school (which is new – last year when she was a freshman was its second year) has been developing what will be called the “Side by Side” program for students with intellectual disabilities. The principal had a similar program at his former school and is a big proponent of inclusion. I wish the same could be said for the K-8 Catholic schools (and preschools) in the area. I do know that one of the schools has a little boy with Down syndrome in their preschool, but I believe that his parents subsidize the aide that is assigned to assist him. I don’t remember if you commented on my prior post about Nathan and Vacation Bible School, but is disheartening to feel like the one place that should welcome kids like him with open arms – the churches – are woefully unprepared to do so.
It is a grave shame, Andi.
I don’t know if I did comment on the Vacation Bible School post. It is possible that I had.
Very excited about “Side by Side” – this principal knows how to back their convictions. And I hope he sees things that come by his door.
“Side by side we stick together” goes a football club anthem.
And having the schools and preschools connected … why is there not a pool of ministerial aides?