If you read Tuesday’s post – and especially if you read the comments – you know at least one of my readers doesn’t like Nathan’s haircut. I do like Nathan’s haircut, so in a perfect world the story would end there, and I wouldn’t be writing a post about Nathan’s hair.
But we don’t live in a perfect world.
In fact, our world is very, very broken, so when I saw on the reader survey that someone said their least favorite thing about Bringing the Sunshine is “Nathan’s haircut” I texted a friend of mine with sons who I hoped would tell me the truth to ask her if maybe his haircut really is hideous but no one wants to tell me. She assured me his hair is fine.
On Tuesday, when I asked a throwaway question (Is Nathan’s haircut really that bad?) and by 6:34 am – only a half hour after the post went live – I had received a response (Yes, his haircut really is that bad…) I texted another friend, who also has boys, and asked the same question again. She also assured me his hair is fine.
And I also think his hair is fine.
He’s four years old, with lots and lots of finely-textured unbelievably straight hair that grows really, really fast and only looks good for about two weeks in between trims. It’s the same hair I had at his age, and the same hair my dad had as a boy, as well. He also boasts a similar face shape to my dad and me – a shape that isn’t accentuated by super-short hair. And…he’s FOUR. I’m just proud he makes some attempt to brush it, and stays still long enough for me to finish the job.
So why did I end up asking the question a third time, on Facebook?
It’s not because I want Nathan to be on the cutting edge of fashion. When I walked into the local coffee shop for my weekly date with friends on Wednesday morning, my friend Jeni joked that she didn’t know who I was because I was in “real” clothes, not workout gear. I almost always go straight from coffee to working out, so what’s the point of dressing up? I hate clothes shopping and I always have. I quit dying my hair and embraced the gray at age 38. My mother has been prodding me to put on some lipstick for three decades. Fashion is not my specialty, and I’m fine with that.
It’s not because I worry about other people’s opinions, either. You have to have a thick skin to be a blogger – especially if you occasionally blog about topics which elicit strong opinions – and my skin is alligator thick by now. I’ve mentioned before the note I have on the wall above my desk that reads “Don’t listen to people who aren’t saying anything.” I’m all for a healthy debate, but not everyone wants to debate – some people just want to troll. One reader’s opinion about my son’s hair just isn’t important to me. So why did a comment about Nathan’s hair derail my morning?
Because I know that appearance matters.
Call it personal image, perception, first impression, or whatever you want, but the reality is that we are all judged – at least initially – by how we look. When my gray hair first began to show, in my twenties, after being blonde my whole life, I opted to color my hair red for awhile. It wasn’t intended to be a social experiment, but it became one: people treated me differently as a redhead than as a blonde. My request were taken more seriously, and some even acted as if they feared I’d get mad at the drop of a hat. The dumb blonde/fiery redhead stereotypes influenced people’s actions.
As the parent of two children with visible disabilities, I have seen the same dynamic play out, particularly with Sarah Kate, because she often blends in with the crowd at first glance, but eventually people notice her disability. People don’t always react negatively – often, just the opposite – but they do react differently to her than to her typical peers. Nathan’s disability, on the other hand, is written – literally – all over his face, so blending in will be more of a challenge for him, particularly as he grows older.
When I was growing up, a family in our church had a son a little older than me with intellectual disability – I’ve mentioned him before, and my parents still go to church with him today. I was always fond of him and, as an adult, I have always been a bit pleased with myself that I was kind and friendly to him when I was a shamelessly self-absorbed adolescent. Pleased might not even be the best word – relieved is probably a better one, because how awful the guilt would be today if I had not been kind, now that I have a son of my own with intellectual disability (yes, it pains me to reveal the depth of my shallowness to you).
But it occurred to me recently, after reading this post, that maybe the way I treated him had much less to do with me and much more to do with him. As far back as I can remember, he was always neat and fashionable – nothing too trendy, just khakis, colorful golf shirts, a good haircut, and so on. I don’t know if his appearance was influenced by his parents or if he simply likes the “preppy” look, but the fact is he always looked nice (and, per my mom, still does), like he was about to head out for a sail or a few rounds of golf.
But he didn’t just look nice. He looked like he fit in.
Nathan will never be just like everyone else, and I don’t want him to be. Conformity is highly overrated. But I also don’t want him to live his life on the fringe of society, and the reality is that oddity encourages isolation. Because of their disabilities, my children will never perfectly fit into a society that is not built for them, and, knowing that, I want them to embrace their unique and original selves. In a perfect world, that would be enough.
But I also know that they must deal with the world not as we hope it will one day be, but as it is right here, right now. If Nathan is more likely to be accepted by wearing his hair a certain way, or dressing in a particular style of clothing, then that’s how I’ll guide him. If that’s what it takes to level the playing field – even just a little bit – then that’s what we’ll do.
But for now, his hair stays. 🙂
What do you think? Has the way someone looked ever influenced your actions – particularly in a way you learned later may not have been accurate to the situation? If you have a disability or are the parent of a child with a disability, does first impression figure into your decision making with regard to hair and dress?
Andi,
I personally think his hair is fine but to me, it only matters what Nathan thinks. Does he like his hair? Starting at an early age (about Nathan’s), my son started wanting a say in his hair even going so far as turning our discussions about your body being yours and subject only to your choices around on us for the purposes of his hair. Sometimes I like his hair (when it’s a little long and shaggy and sometimes I don’t (when he was four and refused a cut for a whole year) but for me it’s not a fight worth having. I’m saving my effort for his older years. And I will agree that outside perceptions matter, the year without a haircut ended when a woman thought he was a girl. I think it does matter that Nathan’s hair and clothes (at the beginning of the day) are clean but other than that, like you said, he’s four. Now, at 7, my son cares a lot about his clothes but only in that they fit in with the kids he thinks are cool.
Sorry for the novel, but I don’t think anyone should make you feel bad about his haircut. 🙂
Thanks, rixka! Excellent point and one I probably should have made in the post, but it was already pretty long as it was. 🙂 I do know that a lot of kids around this age have very strong feelings about their hair and/or clothes (I distinctly remember hating the way my mom did my hair when I was in kindergarten, although I think it was less about the style and more about the fuss). Neither of my kids have ever seemed to care about it very much, though (at any rate, they don’t get much of a say in clothing, because five days a week they wear a school uniform!)
He looks handsome! My daughter has a visible disability as well and I try to make sure her clothing, hair and anything else that can be like other kids, is that way. It’s hard to find clothing sometimes for her, but I see other kids starting conversations with her about a cartoon character and so it’s important to try. Thank you for sharing.
Nathan got his 1st haircut at Disney World? I love it!
YEP! They even gave him commemorative Mickey ears that have “First Haircut” embroidered on the back!
I know I loved that part! That little barbershop is so cute. And how amazing is it you have your first haircut there!
I had to go back and look at pictures of Nathan’s hair, so obviously It’s not terrible. He has the same haircut that my own two sons had around that age. They also had fine, straight hair that showed every single cut, and that doesn’t give you a lot of options. As they got older and their faces got longer and less babyish I began keeping it much shorter, (yay,fewer haircuts).
I also find that I am more conscious of my daughter’s appearance than I was of her typical sibling’s. I never leave the house without her being clean and dressed nicely, I suppose I feel that people will judge her more kindly if she is “cute”.
Nathan’s hair is nice and looks similar to other boys’ haircuts that I see. I really love the thoughtfulness of this post and the ideas you put forth about appearance being a choice but also making a statement and it needs to be thought out. I am going to show this to my tweens, not that i have any issues with their hair or clothing choices but just so they can see such a well stated and fair minded essay about why these choices matter.
I can’t believe someone had the nerve to complain about Nathan’s hair. He’s adorable just as he is
I think he looks handsome and adorable. I realize adorable is probably not what he may be going for as he gets older. Boys, I think, can look a little “longer” In the hair when they’re little. People seem to know that there’s something about getting a boy’s hair cut that is difficult! I have several friends with boys about his age, and they all, from time to time, have longer than normal hair, because, you know, life. 🙂
First of all, LOVE this post! Secondly, Nathan’s hair is fine. I think it’s very face framing. As you know I have CP, and appearance was always and still important to me. As a little girl, my granny and other members of my family always made sure that I looked super cute and age appropriate. Including my hair styles . Of course now in my mid 20’s I cringe at some of the fashion of the 90’s, but I was cute for the decade nonetheless. As I got older, I became a girl’s girl and now young woman. I love all things fashion. A good pair of jeans or a cute piece of jewelry; then I am sold. BUT it was never my thing to be too trendy. I just like to be comfortably feminine. While I like to look nice, I don’t stress over what my peers think because as long as I like what I’m wearing, , my hair’s nice and I’m not slouchy; then I’m confident.
This is awesome. 🙂
Thanks!
I have two children with visible disabilities as well. I also have a son with visible cosmetic disadvantages…namely: a mother without artistic talent who owns a pair of dog clippers and won’t endure the public fit that kid would throw in a professional salon. If your commenter wants to see true disservice done to the head of a young boy, send her my way.
That being said…I can totally relate to wanting to give my children every advantage when they’re being directly compared to peers. I know my daughter is going to stand out in a crowd of six year olds because she’s small…and babbling…and has a delicious lack of nose bridge and wide-spaced almond eyes. But I also daily make sure she’s going to stand out by being the best-dressed kid in that bunch she’s being compared against. I don’t think it’s shallow. And I don’t think it’s a sign of skewed priorities on my part. It’s my way of acknowledging that there are comparisons to be made we don’t get a say in and comparisons to be made that we can influence. And, given the opportunity, I’ll positively influence them any way I can.
There will be those who admire the effort…and there will be those who have personality shortcomings that require them to boost their own confidence by criticizing hairstyles of toddlers. That’s the world we live in. I think you’re doing quite a lovely job of making it a sunnier place to live in and Nathan is, too. I raise my dog clippers in full salute. Carry on, my dear. We’re all better because you do.
Courtney, I think you and Andi and I would be besties if you lived nearby…Amen to all that you wrote. PS-your son’s hair is a fave of mine and if dog clippers get ‘er done then more power to you.
🙂
An aside that’s sorta-kinda off topic but not really… when Mr. Andi decided to shave his head, I did it with dog clippers. 🙂
Our schools require uniforms for all the kids, which I have always LOVED because it meant a no-hassle morning. Sarah Kate, being twelve now, hates them because she wants to be able to have a little more style. Although I still agree with the uniform policy in principle (and don’t want it to change for her), I do wish I could spruce Nathan up a little more. Even the preschool requires uniforms, so he wears a navy shirt and khakis pretty much every day. Not much you can do with that. 🙁
Your most important sentence: “HE’S FOUR.” And he’s perfect
Well, I missed the haircut hoopla, but I can’t believe that anyone would say that? Or much less even think that? Weird. But I’m with you, even if you don’t like what their hair looks like it grows. My 11 year old son who is ours by adoption has extremely curly hair. He could have been a double for the boy who pays Will Ferrell’s son at the end of the Lego movie — except my son might have been a better match because he has the same color as Ferrell. People are always commenting on his hair. I love it but bless his heart, he so wishes it was straight. I’m sure for the reason you mentioned. He wants to fit in, not to be so noticed. Your son is adorable and you’ll find the right cut and length. But the only way to find is to try different things. Right?
Yep! And I’m not afraid of changing my hair – it’s been pixie-short, ultra-long, layered, blunt cut, red, blonde, gray – you name it and I’ve probably tried it. If you don’t like it, it grows out!
I think he is adorable, and cannot believe someone would leave comments like that.
I have 3 girls myself, the youngest has Ds also, and I always wonder how it would be to have a boy and how to have their hair cuts etc. I am sure I would be doing something similar with my youngest two daughters as Nathan’s hairdo, what else do you do with fine hair like that?
And I am with you on making your child with a visibility ‘fit in’. I like to dress all my girls cute, but especially our youngest with Ds gets so many compliments. She is only 3.5, but she knows that people think she is cute 🙂
You know what people say about how little boys’ clothes aren’t as cute as little girls’ clothes? Absolutely true!
Yes. And it just gets worse as they get older.
I know and love Nathan which makes me not an impartial party. As parent and teacher I understand your worry. But knowing you and your family I think disability or no disability he would still have the same haircut. He has a traditional boy haircut which he carries off well! If he’s not asking for a change don’t change it. He is beautiful and if he is happy with his hair I would let it be. Nathan is a bright light to all, so let him shine on!
I think Nathan is adorable. I also think his haircut is fine. I think the issue is that “it’s the same hair I had at his age, and the same hair my dad had as a boy, as well” (us too!). So it looks…outdated to me. This could be regional too – we’re up North. There’s some big differences in clothing too for kids (no smocking around here, especially on boys, but all of my friends from Tennessee down love it), etc. But at the same time, you get what you get with hair – you can’t turn straight, quickly growing hair into curls. I think it’s a fine haircut for now. As he gets older, I would probably try to keep it more in line with the same styles kids his age are wearing, but I just can’t see how people think it’s so offensive.
We also make a conscious effort to make sure our son (with CP) dresses nicely, but consistently with his peers. For now, his hair is perfect for the skater look that is in style here. Blending in, unless your kid really really wants to stick out is good.
Just to clarify – his HAIR is the same as mine and my dad’s, not his hairCUT. 🙂 And yes, smocking is HUGE down here, although Nathan hasn’t ever worn a lot of it (usually just in an Easter or Christmas outfit when he was younger, but not now). His hair won’t always look this way – just like smocking and jon-jons, you can’t get away with the same styles forever – but as one commenter said above, once you go to a big boy cut, you can’t ever go back.
I thought you meant the haircut you had when you were little :). Definitely you have a different haircut now :). DH and I both had a mushroom/bowl types of haircuts for a while when young. They were so common in the 70/80s. They are very uncommon here for little boys now which is why I think they look dated.
My typically functioning son had that exact same haircut at that age. When Joey Lawrence was a little boy, and I was a teenager, I believe the show is called Gimmee A Break,, he had that cut and I vowed when I had a little boy he would have the same haircut. I always thought it was the most adorable thing on little boys.
No one ever really mentioned it. But my son began to make complaints about it, I suspect a child at school said something. He kept saying he didn’t want “mushroom haircut.” He kept complaining that he didn’t want to look like a mushroom. After about two weeks of ‘mushroom mushroom mushroom,’ mumbled under his breath, at hair brushing time, i finally gave in and gave him haircut.
Suddenly all my friends who had previously been silent on the state of his hair, told me how much they despised it, and how much better he looked.
Now he’s 17 years old. Whenever he sees photos of him with that haircut, he still complains!
I’m not sure my story will help you in anyway, but I am writing to let you know, I still love those pictures of my son, and I still think it is the most adorable haircut on the boys!
I love Nathan’s hair! My sons all have/have had that haircut from first cut until almost 6!
Oh my. Well, I can understand your worry. The first time I tried to cut Esmé’s hair I panicked that I had given her a “homemade haircut”–I did it myself because of her movement disorder…I thought she’d get hurt at a salon with her arms going everywhere. But her bangs were a bit crooked and there was a funny sticky-outy layer in there somewhere (I fixed it the next day). After I put her to sleep I cried to my husband that I gave her an awful homemade haircut and that it would stigmatize her somehow…I try to be sure she is dressed nicely always still, but her hair is still difficult to contain cut or not! So I get the fear, really. BUT I’ll say that your little boy is adorable. His hair is adorable. And anyone who says otherwise should just keep it to themselves 🙂
Nathan’s haircut looks like a boy version of yours, but with bangs. I have long (to my waist or so), thick Asian hair and it looks fine if I just brush it.
I think Nathan’s haircut is ADORABLE! That’s the exact style I’ve always wanted if I have a son. It’s cute, and he’s the perfect age for it. Steve Irwin’s son Robert is possibly getting a little old to still have it, but on Nathan it’s supercute. It suits his round little face. I guess not everyone is going to like a style no matter what you choose, I personally don’t like shaved heads on little boys. It makes them look tough instead of sweet, but lots of people do it. Don’t start me on mullets though, if Nathan ever gets a mullet it might be me leaving the mean comment on your page.
Rock that bowlcut Nathan!!!
I love his haircut, it’s the same haircut my boys had when they were young. He is adorable!!!!
I never gave Nathan’s haircut a second thought because I’ve seen the same haircut on so many little boys who have straight, fine hair!
I do get what you mean about the appearance, though. My almost 13 year old with autism likes to put together “outfits” – she is very creative and that was fine when she was 4 or 5. But now, I have to make her change out of it, and try to explain (without hurting her feelings) why I’m having to do so. But the fact is that people judge us by our appearance.
Our newest struggle is with personal hygiene. She doesn’t see the point in brushing her hair every day and she has always given me grief over brushing her teeth (both are related to sensory defensiveness). But she’s getting to the age now where how you look is important to other people and it will negatively impact her socially, when she is already at a disadvantage socially.
You’re a great mom, Andi, and don’t let anyone get you down! 🙂