When Sarah Kate aged out of early intervention at three years old, she qualified for public (i.e., developmentally delayed) preschool, just as Nathan did seven years later. We opted not to send her, choosing to place her in private preschool instead, because our philosophy was that because she would need to learn how to navigate the “real” world eventually, she might as well start young. She wasn’t delayed socially or cognitively, and she was advanced in speech, so we didn’t think the developmental preschool was the best choice.
Sarah Kate’s physical therapist tried hard to talk me out of it.
Her rationale was that because Sarah Kate excelled in those areas, she would be a big help to other children in the class who had social, cognitive, and/or speech delays. I wasn’t convinced – in fact, I never seriously considered sending her – because I felt that my only responsibility was to Sarah Kate, not the other children.
It was a selfish choice and I knew it, but I didn’t care.
Fast forward seven years: Nathan aged out of early intervention last March, and we opted to send him both to private preschool and public (i.e., developmental) preschool. As I’ve mentioned before, he’s been the only kid in his developmental preschool class since August, so he’s gotten a lot of personal attention and he talks a lot more there because he hasn’t been intimidated by other children who speak well (when he doesn’t). It’s been fantastic.
Fantastic, that is, until now.
A new child joined his class last week. I don’t know much about him, and even if I did I wouldn’t share what I know publicly, but I do know one thing: his presence had a negative impact on Nathan. I don’t want to say too much or get into the weeds, but I will say that not only did he clam up, he expressed fear – something we’ve never seen from him before.
My first instinct was to get him the heck out of there.
My second instinct was guilt for feeling that way. I recalled that long-ago day when I refused to allow Sarah Kate’s strengths to benefit other children, and my practical mind told me that Nathan’s social skills could benefit this new child. But my momma-bear brain worried about what we risk losing if he stays.
I advocate continually for acceptance of people with disabilities, not just because it’s important for my two children, but because I truly believe that every person has a purpose, every person has gifts, and every person brings something to the world’s table. I also believe that every child deserves an education.
Those are pretty thoughts, but this is real life.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I don’t want Nathan in preschool with this child – especially since they are the only two in the class. I’m not pulling him out at this time – my hope is that things will improve and drastic action won’t be necessary – but I’m prepared to do so if I don’t like the way things are going.
And I feel terrible about it.
What is my responsibility to the special needs community? If I pull my child out of preschool because I don’t want him in there with another child with special needs, am I a hypocrite? Should I feel guilty because I’m not willing to offer up my child’s gifts to help another?
You are not responsible for the other child.
That said, to what extent does it ultimately serve Nathan’s interests if you pulled him out of the program to shield him from a scary (but actually safe) social interaction? It isn’t as though the other child is bullying or actually harming Nathan — Nathan is just afraid of being social with his peers. Wouldn’t it be better for him to learn how to navigate those waters — with the help of his preschool teachers — than to have those fears validated by you snatching him away to “safety”?
Well, without saying too much, I will say that I’m not completely sure that it’s a safe situation. I hope it is. I know that the staff is doing/will do their best, which is why we’ve opted to stay put, at least for a couple of weeks, in hopes that things will settle out favorably.
He has been in class with other children who were different in the way that they behaved. His class last spring had children with a variety of issues, and he had no problem with them then. He’s a kid that truly doesn’t meet a stranger and fears nothing. The fact that he seemed to be so afraid was a red flag to me in itself.
That’s a good point–if it *is* safe, it bears weighing whether he needs to be given the chance to adjust. I went to a Down Syndrome Education International conference a few weeks ago, and the woman who presented turned a lot of things I thought were standard on their head. One of those things was about sensory issues. She said how are the kids ever going to adjust if they aren’t forced to confront it?
On the other hand, you are right; your responsibility is to your child. And ultimately, only you can answer the question. Prayers coming your way.
On adjustment/confronting: a very controversial opinion! I tend to agree with the woman, but I know others who would balk.
On our personal front, though, things seem to be settling down a bit. Two more children have been added to the mix, and the balance has helped him tremendously. It’s like I said above – he didn’t seem to be bothered last year by the kids who acted non-typically, so perhaps it had more to do with the fact that he had only this one child to focus on that was the main issue.
My first suggestion would be to go visit the classroom so you can see exactly what is going on. If it’s like Galit (the commenter above me) suggests, and it’s a shyness/fear/social anxiety of there being a new person in Nathan’s surroundings, then I think you and the teacher helping him to navigate this is a great thing. However, if the child is violent or aggressive in a way the teacher cannot resolve, then you may need to reconsider this placement. And this is coming from the perspective of a mom who had the child who was aggressive and violent (when they were little, they grew out of it, thankfully). I know that you will ultimately make the best decision for your family and I hope that the answer reveals itself soon! Praying for you!
Your only responsibility is to your children. If Nathan is threatened or exhibiting fear then go to the teacher and see what the professionals think. You are his advocate! I have to say that often children are placed in the least restrictive environments by law. Often violent children need to exhibit data for further interventions. That being said school districts often try to keep childrenin “in house” placements because outside placements are costly.
Go with your momma gut it’s almost always right.
Thanks for your perspective, Ann Marie – you make a good point abut the school’s decision making process. See what I said below to Rachel ACC about what’s happened in our school district.
This highlights the need for public inclusive preschool. If there were NT children mixed in, everyone would benefit. We were lucky to have a private inclusive preschool as a choice for both of our kids (one with Ds and one NT) and both benefitted from the academic, social, speech, occupational, physical and music therapy support.
The school district chose the exclusionary preK system. If their choice means your son has to leave, I feel really badly for your family. But I applaud your effort to ensure your children’s’ education is appropriate for them.
Great point, Rachel. The school system actually does have mixed preschool classes for K-4 but not for age three, so Nathan won’t be eligible for it until next school year. In fact, I believe the reason he suddenly has two more kids in his class (after no one new appearing since August) is partly because the school district tried to move too quickly to an inclusive program and messed up. The next town over from us (same school district) only has mixed preschool, and the preschool is limited to a set number of kids/specific ratio. Unfortunately, they failed to provide for the possibility of new students arriving mid-year, and when that happened, there was nowhere to put them, so they sent them to our school which still had the two separate programs.
You have to take care of Nate. If he is scared and does not feel safe at school pull him out you won’t be a hypocrite. You will be a parent that is trying to protect her child
Whatever you decide, don’t feel guilty about it. We moms beat ourselves up way too much as it is. You’re an excellent mother and you are doing everything that you can to give your children a good life. Whatever you decide will be in the best interests of little Nathan.
If it were beneficial to the other child and either beneficial to your child or made no difference to your child, then I’d say to leave them in that situation. But your responsibility to the other child ends the second it’s not the best thing for your kid anymore. It’s not wrong to put your kid first, especially if he’s not benefiting from the situation.
Biology has fancy terms for it. Mutualism, Commensalism, and Parasitism. If the other kid is like a parasite, no one should judge you for removing your kid from the situation.
If your child is unsafe in preschool due to X, the new kid, then by all means tell the school you are worried about your son’s safety. If the school takes immediate action to ensure X will not harm your son, then by all means, let him stay at the preschool. If the school is unable or unwilling to properly protect your kid from X, pull him from that school. Without guilt. Your kid deserves to be safe at school (and, frankly, X deserves to be safe at school to — to be in a place that prevents him from harming others until he can be taught to, well, not harm others).
There’s no middle ground if it’s a safety issue. If it’s an issue of your kid not liking new kid X very much (where there is no undo risk of harm) that’s a very, very different scenario — one in which it’s actually helpful for your kid to learn that he is no required to like anybody, but he *is* required to be polite and treat them kindly.
Speaking as an ECSE Specialist who is pro-inclusion, with the bent of being a parent of a child with DD, I would question the dual placement of Nathan. Why doesn’t the school district provide support in the inclusive setting? By law if his placement is in the community, his services will there as well. With the support of an SLP and other therapists/specialists, perhaps he would be talking more in the inclusive setting. If he is not talking in the inclusive setting then he has not yet generalized skills and that should be a concern.
When discussing placement as an IFSP team, I always think of the parents’ ultimate goals. Are you planning on him attending a regular ed. kindergarten or will he be in a “special” class? If you plan on inclusion for kindergarten, than why wait? Have his services provided in his inclusive community setting.
The reason he isn’t in the inclusion class is because in our school district they only have inclusion for K4. He should be in that class beginning in the fall because the following fall he will be in kindergarten. That’s part of the reason why we also have him enrolled in a private preschool on the days he’s not in the school program.
He is attending a private preschool so he is in an inclusive placement. His services should be there. I know we live in different states, but in OR you have the right to choose the preschool your child attends and services follow. If it is a religious school then the services won’t be given during religious activities, of course, but services can be provided anywhere if parents are footing the tuition bill.
My child was born with a hearing impairment that went undiagnosed and therefore untreated until she was close to three. At that age, she reminded me of a little wild animal. She had almost no speech, her behaviors were sensory seeking and spectrum-like, and she communicated exclusively through grunts and screams. I was offered/pressured a state sponsored early intervention preschool for her. I declined and sent her to the private preschool all of my children have/will attend. I volunteered there a lot anyway and my girl’s first few months there, I stayed hidden in the back to help out anytime behaviors got too much. When I felt her *third* speech therapist didn’t get her, against all medical advice, I pulled her out and did speech therapy myself. In short, I tusted my gut with her and treated her like I would a typical child. Fast forward a few years, my girl has successfully skipped kindergarten and is still at the top of her class the grade ahead. Recently at an IEP meeting to start speech services for her now mild articulation delay, the school speech therapist was looking over her medical and academic records and asked incredulously, “How did you do this???”.
Trust your gut. Pull Nathan if it is not good for him anymore. Truthfully, you owe no one except your children anything. Thank the Lord that you are in the position intellectually and finacially that you are and do what is best for your babies.
Thanks so much, Kristen, for sharing your experience. I struggle mightily with my internal voices! Nathan is so smart – Yes, really! Even though he has DS! – but since his speech is so delayed sometimes I have doubts and think maybe I’m deluding myself (even though his teachers say it, too). But you are right – I know you’re right! – I need to trust my gut. Always.