I have a confession to make.
Some people may have suspected it for awhile, and even though I’d like to deny it, it’s time that I came clean. Maybe if I take the first step, another special needs mother (or two or three or four…) will do the same. Or maybe not … maybe I’m the only one.
I’m too sensitive.
Last week, I agonized over whether or not the catcher in Sarah Kate’s softball game “let her” steal second base and whether prearranged touchdowns and such are motivated by true inclusion or something else. A lot of you shared your thoughts, and not everyone was in agreement (and some of you admitted to being unsure of your own opinion on the subject).
Over on my personal Facebook page, a friend of mine (who doesn’t have children, much less two with special needs) convicted me with one simple sentence.
“If I have to make an assumption about somebody’s motivations, then I try to assume the scenario that makes me smile.”
I don’t think it was his intent to call me out, and some folks might say he shouldn’t have an opinion if he hasn’t walked in my shoes, or that his statement was much too Pollyanna – life isn’t that simple.
But maybe it could be.
Years ago, when I was an electrical engineering major, I was one of a small handful of women – and only two of us were blonde. Whether I liked it or not, there was a spotlight shining on me all the time because I was different. Some people approved; others did not; most probably didn’t have an opinion one way or another. I made some adjustments to how I interacted with a few people, but for the most part I was just myself and I didn’t worry about the folks who weren’t high on my presence.
That’s how I imagine my children’s lives to be.
Sarah Kate has always had a spotlight shining on her, and she handles it much the same way I handled being a female electrical engineering major in 1991. She just is, navigating the world as best she can. Nathan isn’t yet fully aware that he’s different, but I bet he’ll be the same way.
My second job out of college was with a large company that was dominated by engineers, many of whom were male, but female engineers weren’t uncommon. I noticed one woman right away that seemed to have a chip on her shoulder. It was clear from the way she interacted with people that she felt she needed to be like the men in order to succeed. I never understood that line of thinking – sometimes being a woman was a disadvantage (I wasn’t always taken seriously), but other times it gave me an advantage (I got support folks to cooperate by sweet-talking them 🙂 ). Regardless, she wasn’t a man and could never be.
I think I’ve gotten too hung up on equality.
Once upon a time I was the laid back girl who stood out but didn’t fret about it. Now that I’m a mom of two children who stand out, and I’m in danger of becoming that woman who insisted on not being different … an impossible feat.
If you have three minutes, watch the video below. It’s a familiar story – an orchestrated touchdown – but I want you to stick around until the very end.
The boy at the end of the clip got me. He wasn’t patting himself on the back for the great thing he did for the poor kid with the learning disability – he was sharing how his participation in the touchdown changed him personally, for the better. The boy who scored isn’t “equal” to his peers, but he is loved and cared for by them. They have his back; they are kind.
Maybe I’m naive, but I believe kindness is enough.
If I wished, I could spend every day of the week voicing a new litany of grievances. Mondays: People carelessly use the r-word. Tuesdays: Players who orchestrate a fake touchdown are self-serving. Wednesdays: People put me on a pedestal that I don’t deserve. Thursdays: Stay-at-home moms don’t get the respect they should. Fridays: The world isn’t made for short people.
I’m not so naive that I think it won’t hurt the next time I hear someone carelessly use the r-word, and I can’t promise that I won’t attribute a nefarious or self-serving motive the next time someone does something involving one of my children that makes me uncomfortable. But I’m going to try following my friend Joey’s advice and, in those situations, assume the scenario that makes me smile.
If it does nothing else, it’ll make me a happier person.
Ha! I’ve never been accused of being Pollyanna! 🙂 I’ll take it!
I do feel obligated to lay out a clarification and an admission, however.
Clarification:
Nope, it certainly was not my intent to call you out at all. That statement was about me and how I try to process things – it was not a recommendation or advice to you on how you should process things. I don’t pretend to know for a second whether it is applicable to any situation you might find yourself in — including raising children — nor was it my intent to imply that it is. I hope I didn’t cause you any grief. I was commenting with the intended weight and self-centeredness of a Facebook comment (i.e. very little weight and a bunch of self-centeredness).
Admission:
I used “try” in my original response and again above because that’s the best I’ve got. I try to assume the scenario that makes me smile ….. but, I often suck at it.
The longer version:
I’m not so naive as to believe my assumed scenario is reality. I suspect it often is not. The thing is, I’ve decided that there are a set of people/circumstances in my life where I think it is very important that motivations, meanings, and intent are clear (both my understanding of theirs and their understanding of mine). I’ve also found that as I get wiser (code for “older” in this case), that this set seems to get smaller and smaller. It may be obvious to most, but it took me a while to recognize that this should be a limited set, and even now that I recognize it, I still struggle with who/what goes in it and who/what doesn’t.
BUT, for all the stuff that doesn’t, I *try* (again, with ample suck-itude) to:
a) Not give them/it too much space in my head, and if I fail at this, then
b) Assume the scenario that makes me smile
Because, as a wise (NOT code for “older” in this case) blogger once wrote, “if it does nothing else, it’ll make me a happier person.” *
* In my case, this is the actual point of the exercise instead of a side-effect, but that is for a different innocuous Facebook comment 😉
No grief, no worries. 🙂 I won’t say it was a lightbulb moment for me – more like a tap on the shoulder to remind me that I haven’t always questioned people’s motivations. It’s not even so much that I attribute nefarious motives, but that I don’t always credit people with the best motives. For example, in the case of the catcher in that game a couple of weeks ago, my first thought was that she “let” Sarah Kate steal the base, which (if she did) was an example of her being kind to a kid with a disability. But as Mr. Andi pointed out, that probably wasn’t the case at all – it’s more likely that she was considering trying to get her out, which would mean she saw Sarah Kate as an equal. The first scenario was good, but the second one was even better.
I’m sure I’ll fail a lot, but like you, I intend to try. Living in Disability World I’m surrounded by “issues” and “concerns” and as a mom, I’m doubly affected because I’m a momma bear like any other. I think the bottom line for me, though, is like you said – to be a happier person. As I said in another post awhile back, it’s not the little people that live inside my house that make life difficult, it’s the world outside. There’s plenty to be concerned about outside, but probably not as much as I think, and at any rate, there’s little outside that I can control. Best to have faith in the majority than fret about the minority.
I didn’t interpret Joey’s comment as anything but him telling you how he deals with these type of situations…more like “This works for me.” I don’t think it was fair to him to assume he was “convicting” you…I didn’t see it that way at all. Unfortunately, typewritten responses never express tone of voice, or other clues to the responders attitude.
If you’ll reread what I wrote above, I didn’t claim that he was trying to convict me – I never believed he was trying to call me out. I know Joey well enough to know that he wouldn’t do that.
What he said did convict me, though – not in a scolding kind of way, but in an I-should-aspire-to-be-more-like-Joey way. 🙂
The other benefit of “assuming the scenario that make you smile” is that it, like its opposite, will tend to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you assume the best of people, then at least some of the time they will live up to it in spite of themselves. And of course, there are all the times when their intentions were pure in the first place and assuming anything else would have muddied the waters needlessly. The small percentage of people who, having intended malice, would smirk at having gotten away with it in the face of your positivity are REALLY not worth wasting your energy over.
Well said, Galit!
Thank you for always ‘BEING’ exactly what I need. You are helping so many people – those with children (and with children with, as I have come to like a phrase, “Special Gifts”), and those who don’t really know or understand.
– For me, I feel the same temptations and, many times, frustrations. If I can muster the balance, I say to myself, “Take it as a compliment” – or – “They have their own problems that steer them to make harsh statements” — I try to tell myself whatever I can to deflect it so that I don’t marinate in hurt, anger, or bitterness.
It might sound noble, or it might sound weak, or it might sound frivolous, but it’s actually self-preservation! – It’s just the truth. I do know that GOD is faithful, and HE made our children, and HE sustains them, and He sustains us. (And He’s let me vent more than a few times!! —–for which I am eternally grateful!! tee hee!!)
SO, never doubt that you are encouraging others, and being a wonderful support and breath of fragrant air to so many.
And, Thank You, soooo much!! ♥♥
Thank you so much, Laurel! I’m glad that I helped you, if only in some small way.
That sweet boy at the end got me, too. He had that Oprah “A-ha” moment. I also liked that he didn’t take any credit and admitted it wasn’t something he would have thought to do before. Now, after he saw the effects of kindness, he’s got the bug. He’s looking at the world with new eyes, looking to be kind and make someone smile.
Wow. I never would have thought that the outcome of that play would have affected another kids life so much. It makes sense, but I just never really connected those dots before. Touching, thank you for sharing that.
And since I struggle with a tendancy to over think things myself, I think your friend’s advice makes a lot of sense. I think I’d chose that too!
Yes…. That’s the boy I was talking about. No matter what you thought about the orchestration of the touchdown, that boy was having a true realization and that can only be a good thing.
How did I know it was Joey? 😉