Last week was tumultuous for me.
Nathan’s image went viral on Facebook, prompting friends and strangers alike to say wonderful things about him and my family, and to share it with their friends. Unfortunately, not all comments were kind. In fact, some of them were downright vicious. Several people reached out to me to ask how I was handling it all.
I was surprised at myself, to be honest. Many times I’ve read the horrible things that people have said about other people with disabilities and my blood has boiled. I wanted to smack them across the face – beat them until they realized the value of every person. I imagined that if someone ever said those things about MY child, that I would be a hot mess.
But when it happened, it only strengthened my resolve.
Recently, I stumbled across an old post by Jennifer Fulwiler. She includes a video about a group of smiling colleagues, enjoying a retreat at their place of business – Auschwitz concentration camp. In it, she talks about how she once considered herself a “good person” and people like the Auschwitz men and women “bad people.” She writes:
Back in my college days…I would have thought of myself as fundamentally different than the people in those photos. They were bad people; I was a good person. Now I see that, frighteningly, there is no ontological difference between me and the smiling employees in that Auschwitz photo; the difference is nothing more or less than the stories we tell ourselves about what was going on in the background.
Most, if not all, of those people thought they were good people. Their work was justified – even if they believed killing was morally wrong – by believing the messages they were told: that the Jews were “bad people.” If they’d had friends behind the walls who were about to be executed, they may have felt differently. But the hordes of Jews in Auschwitz weren’t individuals with whom they’d shared coffee and their most intimate secrets – they were The Enemy, so they had to be destroyed.
We may not have concentration camps, but we see people working to Destroy The Enemy every day.
I saw it in the outrageous outrage in the comments on Mothering’s Facebook page. In some places, it was a virtual screaming match between people who assume all pro-lifers are religious zealots bent on enslaving women and others who think all pro-choicers are murderers lacking any morals.
In their quest to claim victory, the virtual screamers saw only “good people” and “bad people.” They failed to realize that a third group exists – invisible people. What I wondered, as I read some of the comments, is if there were women reading who had chosen to abort their child with Down syndrome – women who may now regret their decision, and who may have been deeply hurt by the comments. The IDSC for Life regularly hears from women like that, so it’s possible.
Did these virtual screamers ever considered that the child in the photo is a real person, with a real family, who could be hurt by what they said? My guess is that if they thought of it at all, they probably didn’t care. It was much more important to them to Destroy the Enemy. And to them I say:
Trampling individuals in the name of your principles devalues the very principles you wish to promote.
The bad things people said about Nathan and my family could have been much worse, to be sure. In contrast to one “that baby’s f’ing ugly” comment, there were dozens more stating how beautiful he is, and those that tried to claim Nathan was being “exploited” were outnumbered by many of my friends, family members, and blogosphere acquaintances who sang the praises of Nathan, my family, and even me personally (Thank you!)
Providentially, Jeff Goins published a post last week about criticism, and in it he encouraged his followers to “stop listening to people who aren’t saying anything.” His advice didn’t change how I responded to last week’s events, as I had already chosen to engage only those people who seemed reasonable (Tip: starting a conversation with “F— you” is not going to elicit a response from me), but it was a helpful reminder that there was no reason to be upset, because those people don’t know Nathan and were saying nothing about him (not the real him, anyway).
I’ve known ever since my blog started gaining readers outside my circle of family and friends that there would likely come a day when something like this would happen. It would be very easy to take my blog private and hide from the ugliness. But many of you have contacted me to tell me that my little corner of the interwebs has helped you, or brightened your day, or – and this part is crucial – changed how you view people with disabilities.
With rare exception, people can’t be neatly tagged as “good” or “bad” – we lie on a spectrum between the two, and we are capable of moving along that spectrum in either direction. I can’t control where any one person or group of person falls.
Hi Andi
Just wanted to affirm you, your beautiful family and your terrific blog. It really brightens my day.
I have a beautiful 16 year old son with Down Syndrome who is the joy of my life
Please keep up your great work – it is really appreicated by so many of us out here
You are truly making a difference in peoples lives – that’s what matters
You have courage and a really kind heart
Bill McCarthy
LOVE THIS!!!
Andi, this is so cool! I had actually seen a post of this photo from a distant family member of mine on her Facebook site last week. She has always been an avid “pro lifer” and is even more so now that she has a distant relative (my little Katie) with Down syndrome. I really didn’t think twice about it since it wasn’t uncommon for her to post and forward adorable photos of kids with Ds. Just in reading your blog today and looking at the photo in your link, I am realizing that is your Nathan! OMG, he is famous. How cool!!! Thank you for posting it and all that you do. It is people like you who are helping create a brighter future for my Katie.
Wow, what a lovely photo and I’m shocked at people’s responses. Incredible. I had a sister with Downs syndrome and she was the joy of my life, taught me so many lessons of love, and I wouldn’t be the same person had she not been born.
We were without power for several days and my phone ended up dying and when it was charged I was trying to catch up on my FB stuff and your blog which brought me to tears when I read the horrible stuff that people (mainly the rainbow lady) were saying. I learned long ago at a very young age growing up with 2 cousins with a disability that some people are just down right mean and you will never change their minds, but it never stopped me at a young age to defend them and their rights to be treated as a person. Nathan is just adorable and I feel sorry for the ones that can’t see past his diagnosis, but I love how you took the high road and didn’t try to get in to their craziness, because as my good friend has said “You can’t fight craziness.” There will be more important battles to fight. I got a good chuckle when people said “She is so cute.” I don’t think Nathan looks like a girl, but I use to get the same thing with my oldest and people thought she was a boy because her hair was so short, but I always had to laugh because she generally wearing a dress. We will just keep showing the world our amazing children and I know my baby girls sister’s will continue to do the same and I am still amazed my the response my oldest has gotten from her speech and she is so happy to continue to educate her classmates that her baby sister is just great and she wouldn’t change her for the world.
I have been a follower of your blog for quite some time. I have been in constant admiration of your love and honesty, your heart of advocacy. I have found my voice to be very rarely heard in my feeble attempt to bring kindness and respect to this world. In your children’s eyes you are what they see and thankfully they are shielded from the terrible things people say. Hold tight to the kind words. I am so, so sorry that the world is so full of “thorns” but I pray you may only see the beauty in the roses that rise above the thorns.
In a gentle way, you can shake the world-Ghandi
HI!! I just loved the picture of your adorable Nathan!! I ‘shared’ it immediately for 2 reasons: 1) because who could not love seeing such an adorable child and not just adorable but, how could you not see God’s beauty in his face?? 2) because of the message on the picture. My little sister has Down syndrome and it is SO important to make people understand that individuals with special needs can have the most wonderful and fulfilling lives. And, just as important, is the profound effect that they have on the lives of others, as I know you realize 🙂
It’s hard to hear negative comments about the ones we love without wanting to reach through the computer and beat some sense into them. But then I realized that what they say reflects their character (or lack thereof), not those with special needs.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
Oh so well said Katie, it really is about them and not special needs. Just like a racist is a racist and it’s not a reflection on the race they hate.
I think this blog goes a long way to show the positives of Down Syndrome. I talked about adopting a DS child and I’ve been shot down by everyone I know. “Oh they’re so much work, they have health problems, they can have severe mental deficiencies.” I show them Nathan and ask how anyone couldn’t love that face. They just answer “Not all of them are as cute as him.” Not one person has ever said “Good for you for wanting to give back and take in a special needs child.
There was a comment like that (the “not all of them are as cute”) on the photo, too! It was something to the effect of, “they’ve used the best looking child they could to make their point – the syndrome is not always so kind.” I considered using that “compliment” as one of my Seven Snippets today – was it a compliment? I don’t really think so.
Kudos to you, for considering adoption! Don’t let the naysayers get you down – they’ll learn the hard way when they get to you know your baby that they were in the wrong. All of the children (and, for that matter, adults) I know with Down syndrome have a crowd that rallies around them – even my Nathan. It’s an amazing experience.
Well said my friend. Wow.
And as for the giving back part I just have to say that it is us that are given to by them in my eyes. That’s what most folks do not understand.
Proper english? 🙂
You’re exactly right, starrlife. I think it’s our little secret… 🙂
Hi, just wanted to say that I love your blog. Nathan is close to my little Luke’s age and I enjoy reading about what he is up to. You are inspiring to me. Sorry about the negative you’ve had to deal with, just know how much support there is too. Thanks for doing what you do.
Thank you to everyone who has commented here – your words buoy me and give me strength! Many of you haven’t commented before, I don’t think, so I am even more grateful that you took the time to do so.