Almost all of my posts here are drafted at least a day in advance of their publish date – many of them several days in advance. Because I was consumed with Sigma Kappa convention last week (and my sister and her kids came to visit the day after I returned home), I went to bed last night without a post for today. In fact, I went to bed without even an idea for a post for today, certain it was going to be the first Thursday in over a year that I didn’t post.
But then I got up this morning and checked my email.
On Tuesday, I wrote an open-ended piece about how I didn’t understand why people who wanted a child badly enough to go through all of the tremendous stress and expense of in vitro fertilization (with no guarantee of a baby) would then abort the child if they found out it would be born with Down syndrome. I closed the piece with no conclusion, choosing instead to ask questions of you, my readers, about why that would be.
I considered that maybe these parents were committed to the ideal of a perfect child, and weren’t willing to accept less, but I admitted that I had a hard time believing that. I also put forth the possibility that their doctors pushed them into the decision. Finally, I acknowledged that there could be something else at play that I hadn’t considered.
And then I asked you to help me understand.
Some of you who commented are pro-life; others are pro-choice. All (save one) of you had good thoughts to share. Many of you stated that you believe fear, intense stress and pressure during an emotional time, the belief that people with Down syndrome are a “burden to society,” and ignorance or outdated information could play a role. I was also reminded that not everyone is willing or able to adopt, whether due to logistics, pressure from their family, or a concern that they won’t be able to love a child not genetically related to them, which is something I had forgotten.
I still don’t understand completely, but you all (save one) prompted me to think, which was the whole point of leaving it open-ended. I knew (and stated) that not everyone thinks the way that I do, but that common ground can be found if we are willing to dig deep and look hard enough for it. Just because I think it is wrong to abort a child with Down syndrome, does not mean that I believe those who do are, by default, evil people. I thank all of you who respectfully commented (and hope to hear from some more of you) because you help me to be a better, more understanding person.
But one commenter wasn’t quite as helpful.
I think it may be a bit superficial for you to judge others. What may be “right” for you isn’t always what’s right for someone else. I am the proud Aunt of a child with ds… but I have absolutely no right (nor do you.. I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t jude) to call someone superficial because they don’t agree with my views of morality. Your entire post feels snobish.. like people who chose differently are beneath you. Sad. You are no better than anyone… try to remember that.
I decided to re-read my post to see what she was talking about, because I know I’ve written things before that came across differently than I imagined them. I also didn’t have the opportunity to sleep on that post, so I figured my perception might not match reality. After the re-read, I found:
- An admission that my instinct was to be judgmental…followed by an immediate reprimand of myself for feeling that way.
- A statement that I never considered IVF because I felt adoption was a better option…followed by a clear statement that I know not everyone feels the way that I do.
- Acknowledgment that most people who hope for a baby don’t hope it’ll have a disability (myself included, by the way)…followed by a steadfast refusal to believe that all of the people who undergo IVF then abort for Down syndrome do so because they only want a “perfect” child.
- And finally, an assertion of my pro-life beliefs…followed by a statement that the beef I have with the pro-choice argument wasn’t relevant to the issue at hand, which was: someone help me understand why people who go through so much because they want a baby so badly choose to abort it.
So to recap, the common thread I found when I read what I had written was that I had, at every angle, done my best not to judge.
So, R, if you’re still reading…please enlighten me as to how I judged others (and for everyone else – if you read my post on Tuesday and felt the same way, please speak up). I suspect that your comment had more to do with you disagreeing with my “views of morality” and assumptions that you made about me because of it. I don’t claim to be perfect, nor do I claim to be right all the time. But I always make a conscious effort not to offend, judge, or make sweeping declarations that I believe will be hurtful to others.
Having said that, I also don’t shrink from discussing tough issues here, because ignoring the prenatal elimination of those with Down syndrome won’t make it stop. Many women are pressured to terminate their child with Down syndrome and regret it after the fact – the IDSC for Life hears from them all the time – and I suspect that the same happens to some women who undergo IVF. If by taking a stand here I save just one woman that heartache, I’ll continue to do so; fielding daggers from commenters will just have to be part of the job.
I’ll leave the rest of your comment to my readers to respond to, if they choose, though I will suggest that in the future you might not want to start a comment by calling someone superficial and then tell them they have no right to call someone else superficial. 🙂
Andi,
I have many different beliefs than you, and I think if you and I talked politics and religion, it could be a very interesting conversation to say the least. However, I can honestly say that your posts make me think and question my beliefs, which is a good thing. You have never made me feel that my beliefs were wrong or superficial, you just enlightened me – and I’m sure many others – to how others think and feel. Like you I completely believe “that common ground can be found if we are willing to dig deep and look hard enough for it.” From my left wing liberal perspective, you posts are never judgemental or snobbish, or superficial. You discuss topics that are difficult and emotional and you do it with tact and grace. I may not always agree with your perspective, but I always walk away with a better understanding – and isn’t that why we read articles and blogs such as yours?
Thank you for writing – your honesty and openness made it less scary to bring home our daughter last week, adopted from Taiwan and probably affected by some degree of cerebral palsy. I love this post 9and any others of yours!).
My husband and I are in our late 30s and decided not to proceed beyond IUI (inter-uterine insemination) because of our personal beliefs as well as the mounting expense (and some concern for my overall health). We turned to fostering/adoption instead, and only lately has my heart been broken into pieces for Ds children–to the point where I have talked with my husband about purposefully adopting a child with Ds. I am only just now finding out about the practice some doctors have of encouraging mothers to terminate pregnancies with Ds or other children with birth injuries. All the time while I was trying to conceive, this topic never came up–or if it did, it was in the ‘If Something Goes Wrong’ chapter of ‘What to Expect’, which I was terrified to read. I understand that many women–whose physiology alone makes this an emotional time–are overwhelmed by the thought of having to care for a child with special needs (many times by themselves), and make what they think is the best choice. The point is to go into this choice well-informed, and not be pressured as a matter of rote. I believe that for myself and my family, if I had conceived naturally or had IVF and found out that my child/children had Ds, it would be no accident or mistake. If someone had tried to pressure me, I hope that my personal faith would allow me to see beyond the diagnosis to my child.
I loved your post and I think I personally I can be judgemental with others on this whole abortion thing, but I did not get that from your post. I still stand firm that the whole issue is fear, not believing you are strong enough to raise a child with special needs, the stereotypes that are still talked about, and then doctors themselves. My good friend recently told me about a woman that joined their support group. She decided to tell all of her family and friends about her 3 month old daughter that had been born with Down Syndrome on the 4th of July. The woman had called my friend crying because this woman’s very good friend gave her a lecture on why she should have had an abortion. She went through on the stats and the medical issues that are faced, the “burden” it places on her family and oldest child. The lady went on and on. I was fuming and then my friend said “Oh this lady is a Doctor.” This made me even angrier. I wanted my friend to send that Doctor my oldest daughter’s speech about her little sister and see if that Doctor thought my oldest felt like her sister was a burden to our family. I can freely admit I cried alot during those last 20 weeks of my pregnancy all because of those fears, stereotypes and the vision of what I thought my life would be like, but in the end those visions were false. My life is nothing like I thought it would be and my daughter is nothing like I thought she would be.
Don’t you love how people read what they want to read into your words. They read part of a sentence and begin formulating an argument before they’ve read the whole thing. I read and commented on the same post, and I didn’t see you being superior at all. In fact, you were asking for opinions on why someone might want to abort a DS child when they had tried with IVF for so long. A superior person wouldn’t want to ask for opinions, since theirs is the only one that matters.
Hello, Andi-
I just found your blog a few days ago and have been reading with great interest and enjoyment. Your family sounds wonderful! I do not agree with all your views, but I really appreciate your respectful way of presenting them. I read your post and did not find it judgmental at all; to the contrary, I found the tone to be one of genuine interest in the viewpoints of others. I believe that the choice to abort is an extremely personal one that should be left to the individual woman, as each person’s circumstance is different. For me personally, if I were ever lucky enough to get pregnant again, I would not choose to abort my baby, no matter how severe the disability. That would be my personal choice and I would not appreciate anyone trying to convince me otherwise. I try to respect the personal choices of others in the same way.
I posted because I am interested to understand why you are opposed to IVF. Is it based on religious beliefs? I know that you struggled to carry a baby to term yourself and how badly you wanted your children to live… Why is it hard to understand that other women would want to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and raising their own biological and genetic child(ren)? My husband and I struggled for years to conceive and eventually ended up adopting two beautiful and amazing children, whom I love more than I ever imagined possible… But there is still a part of me that aches for the loss of carrying them in my own belly and (in my case) knowing them from their very first moments of life. Doing two (failed) IVF cycles was expensive and emotional and probably the most painful experience of my life, but when I look back I don’t regret it, because it was part of the journey we had to take to arrive at a place of acceptance and the capacity to embrace the idea of adopting our two toddlers and let go of the dream of giving birth to a child made from our bodies. Of course, I have friends that were successful with IVF and they are deeply grateful that science has made it possible for them to achieve a dream that wouldn’t have been possible for their mothers. Almost every infertile person I know has been asked that question at some point, “Why don’t you just adopt?” in the same tone as “Why don’t you wear the brown shoes?” or “Instead of tacos, why don’t you have spaghetti for dinner?”
I read a quote once that I thought summed it up nicely, “Adoption cures childlessness. It doesn’t cure infertility.” Anyway, I’ve gone on long enough here… I just felt compelled to respond because you really seemed very open to hearing different ideas and I would really like to understand your opposition to IVF in general if you have time to respond…. I know how parenting takes a lot of time and energy. 🙂
All the best to you and your beautiful family.
First, thank you for your kind words. We all come from different places – different family situations, different cultures, different life experiences, and so on – so I respect that we will have varied opinions, as well. I’ll very delicately state that I don’t feel that all VIEWS are valid, but I do believe that all PEOPLE are, and I try to keep that in mind when dealing with controversial topics. It is not my job to impose my views on others – only to educate where I can and discuss in a healthy was as much as possible.
As to your question about why I’m opposed to IVF…with all due respect, you’re making the wrong assumptions and asking the wrong question. Your second question (“Why is it hard to understand that other women would want to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and raising their own biological and genetic child(ren)?”) has nothing to do with my opinion of IVF. I DO understand that, and I have friends and family members who have undergone IVF and I don’t believe that either they or their children are “lesser” for having made that choice. The comment box isn’t nearly big enough to go into all of the detail I would need to to fully explain my position, but a tidy summary would be “The end doesn’t justify the means.”
I am Catholic, as you probably noticed, and the Catholic church is opposed to IVF, but my beliefs do not originate with the Church – I am actually a convert to Catholicism and my opinion of IVF predates my conversion by several years. I did struggle with infertility, but Mr. Andi and I discussed it and we were adamant that we would not go down that road (note that he is not Catholic and required no convincing on my part – I would even say that he was more adamant than I was, if that’s possible). We were about to begin the process of international adoption, having exhausted our other options, when I became pregnant with Sarah Kate. So…the argument can not be made that if I had “been there” I would have felt differently, because I did not. I know you didn’t make that argument, but it has been made before so I felt the need to answer for those who may come along later and read what I had to say.
The quote that you provided about adoption and infertility is true, to be sure. But I’d go a step further and ask why so many feel that infertility must be cured. Although I was eventually able to have two children – Nathan was, to say the least, a HUGE surprise – I still ache for my own losses. I have had one miscarriage and have given birth to three children; the first was stillborn due to triploid syndrome, the second was premature and developed cerebral palsy, and the third has Down syndrome. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I knew what it was like to have a child who is typical! But my desire for a typical child doesn’t give me the right to obtain one by whatever means possible.
I am satisfied with my life and I am thankful for my struggles. I am a better person because I was not given everything that I wished for, and I know that both of my children were conceived not just with love in my heart, but in the act of loving their father in the most intimate and vulnerable way a person can show their love. I have no regrets.
Wow, thanks for the quick response. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. It seems to me that your anti-IVF position is along the lines of not wanting to interfere with the natural order of things, or something related to that. I can appreciate that.
I don’t believe that people have the “right” to fulfill their dreams “by whatever means possible,” nor do I feel that infertility “must” be cured. I can only speak for myself, and for me, well, what I wanted was to carry my children in my womb, to be responsible for their prenatal care, to witness their birth, to be the first person to hold them in my arms. To me, IVF was a path to make that dream a reality, and other than me and my husband, I do not see how it impacted anyone else. I wanted a cure for my own infertility, and once I accepted that would not come to pass, I pursued other options, with a happy ending. I do not subscribe to any organized religion, but I do try to live a principled life and to treat others with kindness, respect, and empathy. In that regard, it seems we have some things in common. Again, thank you for taking the time to respond and best wishes!
Just to be clear, I wasn’t speaking of you specifically when I used the words “right” and “must” – which brings me to a big point I should probably make regarding my view of IVF. You are right in that I do object to interfering with the natural order of things, but it is much more than that. I do not believe that the goodness of a thing that will be used on a widespread basis can be judged primarily on the basis of whether it is good for an individual. There is no doubt that many families have benefited from IVF, that those children are well loved and cared for, and that there was no known harm to others done by their individual choice of IVF to conceive. Having said that, I also believe that we are only beginning to see the tip of the iceberg that is IVF – abortion is already used for sex selection, how much easier to make that choice when undergoing IVF? Embryos are prescreened for specific genetic conditions now – how many more of those will be identifiable in the future and where will that lead? Profit greed is already an issue in the IVF industry (remember the Octomom?), with no end in sight. Many children conceived via IVF using anonymous sperm donors report emotional concerns over their lack of knowledge of their fathers, and it’s been widely reported that many sperm donors are producing 50, 100, 150, or more children – increasing both the risk for accidental incest and the possibility of rare genetic diseases spreading more widely through the population. And IVF is still relatively new. So it’s not just that I don’t like that it goes against the natural order of things…it’s that I have grave concerns about what the impact will be of disrupting that order.
I worry, as well, that this capability (and the others that will follow…there WILL be others) is leading to the commodification of children in our society. Not so long ago, people accepted that suffering and struggle were a part of life, but in our affluent society people are much less willing to accept outcomes that they don’t like and are less willing to be satisfied with what they have been given. Many people are no longer willing to accept that they may need to use their mothering talents in other ways than caring for a child born from their womb. People now have sex without babies and they have babies without sex and while I do appreciate that we have a wealth of technology at our disposal to make our lives better, I have a hard time believing that fundamentally changing the basis of the creation of life is a GOOD thing.
Thank you for your respectful questions and comments. I know I may seem like a hardliner, but I DO understand the pain and I DO understand why people make the choices that they make.
All valid concerns that certainly raise important ethical issues. I’ll add that profit greed, emotional challenges of children who don’t know who their father is, and the commodification of children are also troubling issues in the world of adoption. It’s up to us as a society to collectively draw the line where morality is concerned.
I don’t think you sound like a hardliner, by the way. It’s clear you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these issues and you’re obviously passionate about children’s rights. That’s part of what appeals to me about your blog.