I watch both Toddlers & Tiaras and Dance Moms, and I’ve always heard tales about Those Parents who act a little nuts when it comes to their kids’ activities, but because I never experienced it I always assumed it was your garden variety yell-at-the-ump, yell-at-the-coach general jackassery.
Oh, how wrong I was.
I won’t go into the sordid details of what transpired this season with girls softball here in Mayberry, other than to say that there was a disagreement, and that some people who represent the sport did not represent well. And by “did not represent well” I mean that during a heated exchange last Friday night, a male board member charged at one of the mothers in an aggressive stance that seemed serious enough to Mr. Andi that he stepped in with Sarah Kate’s bat in hand and insisted that said male board member not continue on his trajectory.
I wasn’t present at the brouhaha, but the story has come out in bits and pieces – some from Mr. Andi, some from other parents – and while there’s certainly more to the story than I will likely ever know, one thing I do know for certain.
I’ve been living in a disability bubble.
We haven’t had tons of experience with sports – a couple of years of swim team and one season of softball – and it’s been great for us. Sure, I freak out a little when Sarah Kate gets up to bat, and it’s tough when she’s the last swimmer to touch the wall during her heats, but she (and by extension Mr. Andi and me) always receives encouragement from others. The umpire at her games has commented over and over again how well she bats, parents of opposing team’s players compliment her, and words like “inspiring” and “brave” are ever present.
But there’s a dark side of which I’ve been blissfully unaware – until now.
The Great Debate – centering on a forced forfeit – may end up being critical to the final standings at the end of the season. I know that’s important to a lot of people – who among us doesn’t have a competitive streak? – but it’s not important to us, because my goals for the season were for Sarah Kate to enjoy it and for me to survive it – we’ve done that and more. As great as it may have been, I’m ready to move on to swim team.
But on Tuesday night after her game, I cried.
- I cried for Sarah Kate’s coach who’s worked so hard and been so wonderful, patient, and good-natured with a dozen seven- and eight-year old girls, most of whom have little understanding of the rules, much less strategy, of softball.
- I cried for the girl on the team who started the season near the bottom of the batting order but worked hard and now bats fourth – the esteemed position of team slugger.
- I cried for the opposing team, who may end up winning the season in a way no honorable coach wants to win.
- And I cried because that same team, at the end of our last game against them, presented Sarah Kate with a medal inscribed with “MVP 2012.”
Most people understand that girls softball is about having fun, learning teamwork, practicing discipline, and developing social and other valuable life skills. But I discovered this spring that for a few people, girls softball is about the power, not the children.
As I considered what went down this week, I wondered if this particular board member (and his wife, who appears to be cut from similar cloth – her body language at last Friday’s meeting revealed the lies she told) would look at my family and thank the heavens that they don’t have two children with special needs. I’d be willing to bet that a man who routinely verbally abuses his young players and has to be stopped from assaulting a player’s mother would be less than enthusiastic about parenting a child with cerebral palsy and another with Down syndrome.
But I look at him and think how pathetically sad his life must be to have so little perspective.
There are days that I grow weary of therapy and medical bills. There are times when I long for a life more ordinary. But incidents like these remind me of how blessed I am to have children who, by their very existence, make me a better person. Children who give me perspective. Children whose achievements – walking, talking, and other seemingly simple things that most people take for granted – are celebrated with joyful abandon. There’s no cheating in therapy, and no one can take their accomplishments away from them.
Given the choice, I’d pick the disability bubble every time.
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Note: I hesitated to write this post, because I feel that I’m being very “judgey” about a man I don’t know. But from speaking with other people (not all parents of our players, or even people with girls currently playing softball at any level), this man’s “rap sheet” is long and egregious. At any rate, I’ve withheld many specifics for the good of the league and the more honorable board members.
I’ve spent a lifetime involved in youth activities. From my own involvement starting at 3 in dance and gymnastics, to witnessing little league at it’s best and worst when my brother (7 years my junior) played, to watching my own children now. Somewhere in my boxes of various writings in the garage, there’s a piece I wrote for the local paper about “those parents” and “those coaches” who destroy the love of the game for kids who simply want to play. And in that piece I detailed a day when my brother’s team and the opposing team cheered each other on, and after the game shared snacks – together – and the parents saw what the game was supposed to be about.
And when we showed up to the next game, a game against a team with “those parents” and “that kind of coach,” we were sneered at and belittled for my words. But I have to believe that was because somewhere in them they were a little envious that they couldn’t find that spark in themselves anymore, that spark that prompts a team to recognize a member of the opposing team as the MVP of the season.
I’m so incredibly grateful Sarah Kate’s softball experience has been positive for her. I think often as parents we see things occur that the kids are thankfully oblivious to. I hope the actions of this man and his wife don’t sour you in general to another season if Sarah Kate is so inclined.
It really doesn’t matter if your being “judgey” or not. We have all run across people in our lives that just don’t get it and never will. Your paragraph about perspective holds true in all aspects of our lives not just sports. Having children with special needs can’t help but give you a whole different perspective about what is important in life. It’s sad to say that some people will never recieve the blessing of that perspective.
Good one, Andi.
I am so glad for the disability bubble. I have seen these same situations in so many childrens sporting activities and wonder where these people come from. I believe “they” live in the bubble and am truely appreciative that God chose to help me stay out of that bubble. Thank you for writing this post.
I live in that bubble with a 6 year old daughter with cerebral palsy as well. She is a part of an organization called Champion Athletes, sports for children with disabilities. I love them and would never want to expose her to the negativity of “regular” athletics. My 9 year old has done sports through our local park board and the parents are so aggressive. He has tried soccer and basketball and there have always been parents yelling and not letting the children enjoy themselves. He has decided to not try anymore sports and join our school’s choir. It is so sad that parents with no manners ruin it for everyone. That is when we thank God he picked us to raise our extraordinary children and not them.
Andi, this is so sad. . . I live in Texas, a state where you groom your children at a young age to play high school football. That the world ends if your child does not make the football team. Competition is fierce and I come from a family where music, art, and dance were more important (perhaps because my brother and I pretty much hated sports). I have a friend who recently resigned from coaching 12yo volleyball. Why? Because she was being threatened and abused by a few parents and an aunt of a few of the girls. She said the girls were okay, but the parents had entitlement issues. I wonder, if this over-charged dad and his wife were gifted with a child who had special needs, if their perspectives would change? Would they learn to embrace the every day live and to see the extraordinary?
I want to quote this back to you, in case you don’t realize how wonderful these words of yours are:
“There are days that I grow weary of therapy and medical bills. There are times when I long for a life more ordinary. But incidents like these remind me of how blessed I am to have children who, by their very existence, make me a better person. Children who give me perspective. Children whose achievements – walking, talking, and other seemingly simple things that most people take for granted – are celebrated with joyful abandon. There’s no cheating in therapy, and no one can take their accomplishments away from them. Given the choice, I’d pick the disability bubble every time.”
I am printing this out, putting it above my desk, and will look at it every day to remind myself that we have been blessed with our wonderfully unique children. Bless you for this beautiful reminder!
I think you have a really good point. Your situation had taught you to look for the joy in every situation. And that sad man seems to be embracing his anger. They’re just little kids, to watch them play and make silly mistakes and little triumphs and to not laugh and celebrate and have fun is just a shame for any parent or spectator. I hope that you’re able to keep your perspective despite these kind of challenges.
Perspective and gratitude, yup, that’s exactly what I’d say. Sometimes I have to stop and think about it but my chid is always there to put my mind and heart back on track. Thanks for sharing.
What’s to say but hear, hear!
I’m very grateful that my husband is my daughters coach, very grateful. Bubble away!
I’m involved with my son’s local little league, and I can tell you that you are not alone. Our league is great and works really hard to keep these sorts of things from happening, but we have teams that visit from other leagues and some people are just way too competitive and hot-headed to be of any use in kids’ sports (or other venues for that matter). I applaud Mr. Andi for stepping in and I’m also so sorry to hear about the “tiebreaker”. Haven’t visited here much, but I love what I’ve read so far.
Welcome, Deirdre! I hope you’ll come back and visit often. 🙂
You make me cry every time. And thank you for keeping it in perspective.