This week, the Washington Times published a story about Moshe Kai Cavalin, a California boy who completed two associates degrees by age 9 and will graduate with a bachelor’s degree from UCLA at age 14. Most of us would categorize Cavalin as a genius, but he doesn’t see himself that way. In fact, he’s written a book
Last month, Amy Chua published a controversial piece in the Wall Street Journal recently entitled, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.” Like Cavalin, Chua emphasized focus and hard work as keys to success. While much of what she wrote sounds horrifying to many Western mothers, one thing stood out to me in the article. She stated that Chinese parents, in contrast to Western parents, “assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”
Her words, and that of Cavalin, resonated with me.
It’s easy to see the impact that mothers (and others) who assume strength, not fragility, can have on children with disabilities – particularly those that involve some level of intellectual impairment, such as Down syndrome. Fifty years ago, children with Down syndrome achieved very little, because no one expected anything from them. Today, expectations are different, and children with Down syndrome are achieving more than anyone dreamed was possible.
But it’s not just children who can benefit from having someone believe in their strength. Last weekend, I ran a half marathon that serves as a breast cancer fundraiser. My previous personal best time for that distance was two hours and twenty-three minutes. I expected, based on recent runs, to be able to best that time; I hoped to break 2:20. Following the half marathon, I planned to start a training program that would help me reach 2:15 later this year.
I shared my hopes and plans with a few friends – some of whom were running the same race. They expressed their confidence that I could run a 2:15 – on Sunday.
I ran it in 2:13.
Shortly after the race, I expressed to two of my runner friends that I now needed a new goal. One friend suggested a modest improvement of 2:10 for my next half; the other said to shoot for 2:00. While 2:00 would have seemed unattainable to me just a few hours before, now it seemed possible.
My friend assumed my strength.
The confidence that my friends showed in my ability empowered me to do better. Many times during the race, I began to grow tired and wanted to slow down, but I didn’t. I’d like to say that I altruistically continued to plod along solely because I was inspired by friend, Michele, for whom I was running (she is undergoing treatment for breast cancer right now). But it was more than that. I continued on my early quick pace because I believed I could do it, if I focused and worked hard.
I’m not a fast runner – I’m solidly in the middle of the pack in most races. I’m 42, I’m short, and because of the other commitments in my life, I won’t ever train like an elite runner, so elite status may not be possible for me. But does that mean I shouldn’t keep working to get better? Sunday’s race made me wonder what would be possible for me if I chose to push myself – even just a little bit harder – to be faster.
What could my children achieve if I assumed their strength and not their fragility? Could Sarah Kate be competitive in softball and swimming? Could Nathan attend a top-notch college? Mr. Andi and I always tell Sarah Kate to do her best, but do we truly mean it? Are we expecting her best, or settling for what we perceive to be good enough?
As much as I’d like to believe that I have high expectations for my children, my gut tells me that my expectations aren’t high enough.
Further Reading: Amy Chua’s WSJ article was an excerpt from her book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
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Try setting goals instead of expectations. I for one find it easier to manage.
I agree that goals are easier to manage than expectations – I’m a very goal oriented person. The bigger question/concern I have is how to know what the goal should be. Am I setting the bar too low (for the kids or for me)?
My exercise physiologist is great with this kind of stuff. He’s a big believer is starting with smaller achievable things and building from there, because it’s about confidence as much as actual ability. If he has me do something new and I can’t get it after a few tries he backs up & breaks it down to smaller things. It’s not giving up. It’s making sure you can accomplish something before wanting to give up.
Wow, what an awesome and inspiring post. I think I expect too little out of Carsyn, and Dustyn for that matter. So thank you. A great reminder.
I struggle with this too … in running and in parenting … with my kids with myself. 2011 was a personally difficult year and I handled so much more than I ever thought I could. Now, on any given day, I look at either one of two ways: wow I wasted a lot of time thinking I couldn’t do things I really could have; or I really did a lot less than other people do and I should stop patting myself on the back for such minor accomplishments and go out and really DO something I can be proud of.
Strongly dislike anything related to ‘Tiger Mother’ but I will carefully think about your post, as usual.
Just to clarify – I’m not advocating tiger mothering. 🙂 Just setting the bar a little higher.
As usual, your post has got me thinking! 🙂 I am all about having high expectations, especially for our special needs kids, but there also has to be balance. I have always had the expectation that my children will attend a four-year college after high school. My son with an Asperger’s diagnosis (at least until DSM V comes out LOL) is almost 16 years old and this expectation is seeming less and less likely. He is realizing this as well and we had to deal with several months of him feeling like a failure because he may not be able to go to college. It is not from a lack of working hard. It’s not because he’s not trying his best – and knowing that he may not be able to get into college doesn’t keep me from continuing to try to push his limits academically. In the end, however, it may not be enough. And I regret that he feels like less than the brave and awesome and amazing guy he is because I set up this expectation for him that may be out of his reach.
But at the same time, what if I had listened to the doctor who told me that my 3 year old daughter with autism would never speak, never read or write or do math, and would never have meaningful relationships with other people?! He told me to just put her in a special ed classroom so I could get a break while someone else dealt with her meltdowns. She’s going to be 10 in 2 weeks and she’s reading on a 4th grade level, doing some simple multiplication (math is tough for her), and she just wrote out the invites for her birthday party.
So how do we figure out the balance between pushing for excellence and challenging those limits that we or others place on our kids without setting them so high that they are unattainable and make them feel like failures? How do we know what goal is a 2:00 half rather than a 1:15 half?
Thanks again for being so thought-provoking! 🙂 Always enjoy reading your blog!
Good questions! I am sorry your son is dealing with some challenges at the moment but I wouldn’t hesistate to say they may very well be temporary. Don’t give up your dreams for him (teacher talking :-)) Professionals of any field can be idiots. You knew your daughter could achieve more.
I did take away from that article that I should be telling my own daughter more often that she is strong and to believe in herself. I see her personality is one that will stand in her own way sometimes. as a teacher, I have witnessed many parenting styles and unforeseen suicide in children. I agree with your need for caution and balance.
Sorry for the length of this comment and thanks for letting me speak.:-)
“How do we know what goal is a 2:00 half rather than a 1:15 half?”
Therein lies the biggest struggle of all – how do we know what they are capable of? We don’t. I’m not sure that we even know what WE are capable of achieving – a 2:00 half marathon seems doable to me if I were to get serious about training, but 1:15 doesn’t seem possible. But…what if it is? A friend of mine assured me awhile back that a sub-4:00 marathon was possible for me, when the fastest I’ve ever run one was 4:58.
I don’t have any answers, sad to say.
I like to think of myself as “training wheels” for my kids. I am there to guide them in doing things that they can’t possibly do themselves yet: I hold my 2-year-old’s hand over the scissors as he learns the motions involved, help my 4-year-old with unfamiliar words when he is trying to read a new book, etc. As soon as I see that he is trying to do whatever it is by himself, I back off and let him struggle. I try to let him get over the frustration by himself before jumping in to help again, but frequently — akin to what you describe — I probably jump in too soon. Of course, if I wait too long, he gives up altogether…..
With my older children, I have been able to ask them how much help they want/need. For example, when they show me an assignment they have written, I ask whether they want proofreading, content feedback, or just supportive appreciation. Again, I am not perfect at this, but the general strategy is effective.