Occasionally, I hit The Wall. Anyone who’s ever run a marathon (or watched the movie Run Fat Boy Run) is familiar with the phrase “hitting the wall”. It’s the point in the race when the wheels start to come off and you feel like you just can’t take another step. It’s not just about the pain, or the hunger, or the fatigue, either. It’s the feeling that everything you’ve done up to that point – the training, the many miles already put in on that day – just aren’t enough, and continuing on just isn’t worth the effort.
I knew I’d hit The Wall yesterday when:
- I realized that despite my best efforts to get Sarah Kate to make and take a birthday card to her teacher, she only did the “make” part and the card was still in her room five days later.
- I discovered that despite the fact I’ve known for months where we were going to be for Thanksgiving, I forgot to make arrangements for a doggie hostel, so unless I get REALLY lucky with the waiting list, we’re going to have to drive our Westie 350 miles to Nana’s where dogs aren’t welcome in the house.
- I felt weighed down by the knowledge that I am the primary individual responsible for the therapy that both of my children receive (which is, of course, never, ever enough) – worrying that I never have enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done, and even if I did, I’m not sure I’d do it, anyway, because for all its benefits, constant therapy destroys much of the joy of having young children.
- I began to feel guilty about the time that I spend doing other things – like photography, blogging, running races, and volunteering for an organization that I believe in – but at the same time felt resentful of the therapy, the bills, the laundry, the meal planning, the grocery shopping, and the packing for the Thanksgiving road trip for three out of four members of the family (plus the dog – don’t forget the dog!)
I used to think it was about a lack of time to do everything that needed to be done, but I managed to sit around and read blogs and watch TV this weekend, so I know it’s not about time. It feels more like a lack of brain space. l just couldn’t keep up with it all – even with a planner and a notebook and a to-do list – and I reached the point where something inside of me just said NO MORE.
I’ve been in this place before. Last fall, I hit The Wall on Laundry Day, and it wasn’t pretty. But once I pushed past The Wall, I moved on to reclaim a part of me that had been MIA for a long time.
Just like in the marathon, when it feels like the wheels are coming off and my mind is saying NO MORE, I’ll continue to push against The Wall, no matter how difficult it is, because I know that if I just keep moving, there will be joy and a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the road.
Do you ever hit The Wall? What do you do to push past it?
My life has been on auto pilot for about 2 years now and I finally got the feeling that I was resenting all the stuff that I have to do. I wasn’t feeling like a mother but a tutor, taxi, maid, short order cook, speech/occupational/physical therapist. I told a dear friend of mine I have to get out and do something without my 3 children and not worry about helping with homework or therapy or cleaning. I honestly can’t remember the last time I did something that was all about me. So this weekend we went to lunch, shopping and Movie. It was nice and the only person I had to worry about for those couple of hours was “ME.” Then when I got home I got the best greeting from my baby girl. I love my family but there is alot of stress in our lives right now and I just needed a few hours to try to refresh and break down the wall I have hit and like you said “Reclaim a part of me that has been missing” and to be thankful for all that I do have. Sometimes it the small things that add up to big things. Thanks for this post. It helps make me feel “normal” instead of guilty for my thoughts and resentment. There are so many things people try to prepare you for when caring for your children but sometimes they forget to remind you to take care of yourself because you need to be strong for the battles that may lie ahead.
I struggle with getting out and doing things just for me. I meet a group of friends for coffee one morning a week – but Nathan goes with me. Running has always been my “me” time (yet another reason I like to run long distances) but lately I’ve not been running as much and I’m pretty sure it’s messing with my head. 🙂
I know I don’t always comment lady, but I do follow your posts as always, and continue to LOVE how much sunshine you bring to the blogging world, which is why it surprised me when I came to your page today to get a link to nominate you for a blog award…
http://ruggedgrace.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/whoa-you-guys-im-a-real-blogger-now/
…it surprised me to see you so down.
PLEASE hang in there, you are serving SUCH an amazing purpose in this world, and whether you know it or not, your strength and talent is unbelievable.
This, too, shall pass! I think it’s just part of being a mom; life isn’t supposed to be sunshine and rainbows at every turn, and it’s the dark times that help you appreciate the light.
YES. I do. I usually end up breaking down and sobbing. I don’t have any other helpful suggestions because my answers aren’t the most healthy alternatives… (They’re legal. But the stuff I “cut out” isn’t necessarily the stuff I SHOULD cut out…)
I eat. And lay around like a slug.
Neither of those are good for the soul…
Yes I do and if I can’t do it all in one day I do it the next day 🙂
That’s usually how I roll, too, Nisha. Each day I try to set three Must-Do goals/tasks for that day. As long as I accomplish those three things, then I don’t feel like I wasted my day. The problem is that I have way more tasks each day to keep up with than three! 🙂
Oh, I know just what you mean! You write so well, and my heart just went out to you as I was reading. I know that you can get through this, and that there will be days again when it feels ‘worth it’ and positive.
Reach out to those who love you and accept the help that they offer. You can do this!
Jo (@jorawstron)
Oops- just catching up so you are indeed mortal:)
I live along the wall, one small lurch and bang! but I am one of those people who’s energy is erratic, turns on when I have things to do and collapses when left unstructured for longer than 5 minutes. Sometimes I long for the days of singleness when I could shut the door to my life and just stay in bed all day!
I was about to reply to your comment on the other post but see you found your way over here. I don’t have a lot of energy – though people say that to me a lot. I don’t get this way very often, but when I do it’s very hard to push past it.