Several weeks ago, Mr. Andi went to a party in honor of one of his employees who graduated from college (the kids and I stayed home). While there, one of the honoree’s other guests struck up a conversation with Mr. Andi and another couple. It was just a casual conversation among people who didn’t know each other before – small talk about jobs, the future, marriage, and kids.
Eventually, Mr. Andi shared that he has two kids with special needs, and The Other Guest seized on that information and began telling his own personal story of his uncle with Down syndrome. Friend/relative/neighbor stories are a familiar part of life with a “double dose of special,” but what Mr. Andi heard next shocked him.
- Selfish?
The Other Guest launched into a tirade about how people with Down syndrome are so selfish – that everything is all about them. He stated unequivocally that if HIS wife (who was standing quietly nearby, tugging at his sleeve) was pregnant with a baby with Down syndrome, he would definitely abort because people with Down syndrome suck the life out of the rest of the family.
Mr. Andi calmly replied, “You don’t know what you would do if it were you. People with Down syndrome are capable of a lot more than you think and can live happy and fulfilling lives.” The Other Guest was sufficiently obtuse so as to not take the hint, however, and continued with his rant. At that point, Mr. Andi turned to The Other Guest’s wife and suggested that she remove him from the situation (i.e., walk him away before Mr. Andi punched him in the face).
The Other Guest did walk away, but after thinking (and fuming) for a few minutes, Mr. Andi decided that he didn’t want to be there anymore (despite an abundance of crawfish, which he loves and had not yet tasted). He said goodbye to the honoree without explanation and left. He didn’t tell me about the incident for two days because he didn’t want to upset me, and still hasn’t told the honoree what The Other Guest did or why he chose to leave the party.
I’ve returned to this incident in my mind many times, and I still don’t know what to make of it. Do most people feel this way, but do a better job of hiding it in our presence, or was this guy an anomaly – just another a-hole to be ignored? Did he determine on his own that his uncle’s life wasn’t worth living, or did he hear that sentiment from his father (i.e., his uncle’s brother)? Did The Other Guest’s grandmother – the mother of the man with Down syndrome – have to face hostility in her own home, merely for choosing to love and care for her child? And finally – what is the best way to handle a situation like this one in the future?
I haven’t yet found the answers.
Tell me what you think.
Oh Andi, I haven’t found the answers yet either. As you know my Ellie has Ds, but what you may not know if my aunt also has Ds and my cousin has a severe form of Apert Syndrome. Growing up, people didn’t say things or stare too much at Aunt Peg and no one has actually said anything to me about Ellie. Instead, everyone talks about how beautiful she is and they want to wave & talk to her. I had a few people come up to me and say their grandchild has Ds and isn’t it wonderful all the things they can do? So I have had positive reactions and for that, I am grateful. So not everyone is as negative as that ignorant guest.
HOWEVER, my cousin with Aperts is a different story. Aperts has very obvious facial deformities and webbed fingers. He stands out in a crowd. People do stare and they stare with pity. When he was born, it was a big shock and the OB tossed him on the table and said “Not compatible with life.” The thing is–this was in 1983, before everyone got prenatal testing and routine ultrasounds. There was no choice to abort. My aunt and uncle fought hard to keep their son alive and he has thrived. When I was 12yo, I remember standing in line at McDonalds and kids were saying stuff–I wanted to punch them. Instead, I remained silent, but glared fiercely. I cannot forgive myself to this day. He has a full life. Yes, there are some limitations due to the webbing of the finger (ie driving) but he works and has 10 girlfriends. Yes, TEN! he is that popular 🙂
Being in the situation Mr. Andi was in. I probably would have been so shocked that I would be standing there crying with my mouth hanging open. Shame on the guest–he is missing out on so much beauty in the world.
I think people are much more accepting than they used to be now that there is inclusion in the schools and more news articles. More people are aware of how much people with Ds can do. However, I also think people are still ignorant and are smart enough to keep their thoughts to themselves.
Here in the South, we have a favorite saying: “You can’t stop crazy. And you can’t fix stupid.” And some people have no “home training.”
First, so proud of your husband for not laying him out, I don’t think I would have that much self control.
Second, this jerk was totally in a place all his own. I feel sorry for his wife as he obviously is completely void of empathy and she has a long road ahead of her. Every person, regardless of abilities or disabilities, has something to contribute. I think someone with special needs often contributes even more. Someone with special needs teaches us to be a better person, to see something through someone else’s eye’s, to show more compassion, and to not be so self centered.
Argh, I am so angry at this person, but I know I should really feel sorry for him. He will never know the joy of really looking past himself at the rest of the world and is already missing out on the beauty that is in everyone (ok, MOST people since people like him are obviously deficient in this).
Unfortunately, the world is full of idiots. Fortunately, however, they are pretty good at revealing themselves. That makes it easier for the rest of us to identify and avoid them.
For the most part, we pretty much get to choose which people are part of our lives and which aren’t — which people we allow to have some of our time, and which we don’t. I make it a point everyday to try to choose wisely. That said, I think Mr. Andi was a smart man for “parting company” with Cap’n Tact.
Maybe I am being naive, but I say don’t worry about what percentage of the population thinks this or that. Instead, surround yourself with positive people that make you and your family happy, and avoid those that bring you down. In essence, make your own reality. And, as long as you get to make it, make it a good one. 🙂
Re-reading your post, I guess a shorter version of what I wrote would be, yes, he is “just another a-hole to be ignored”.
Congratulations to Mr A for not dispensing summary justice to a most deserving candidate. To have done so would have given intense short term pleasure, but a bitter lingering realization that the dark side won again by dragging him off the high road into the muck of human meanness. Its the plight of all humanity to have to deal with our selfish, base self. Thanks to God for offering us a better way and showing what that looks like in human form. Sadly the party guest doesn’t not seem to be with the program, does he? Funny, what we complain about in others (e.g. selfishness), is what we are most guilty of ourselves. To paraphrase scripture: take heart, persecution in whatever form it comes is testimony to the fact that you are doing right.
Very well stated.
Andi,
While reading your latest posting, my daughter Elizabeth said, “Oh what a beautiful baby”, not, ‘is there something wrong with him’. I totally agree, what a beautiful baby!
Don’t let this man’s bitterness and stupidity take up another moment of your time, because all it is for you is a waste. Waste of emotion and of time. You have better things to do than take another moment to think on him or the minority those who are like him.
I think Sarah Kate & Nathan are wonderfully made & are two precious children with two wonderful parents. 🙂
Be blessed!
~ashley
Yes, congrats to your husband for maintaining his composure. I’m not sure I could have done the same. It’s amazing to me that people hold these beliefs about people with disabilities. I’m not really sure where some of them come from, but you’d think in a world like ours where so much information is available 24/7, people would be less ignorant. Instead, they often seem more so.
I’m not sure what I would have done, but I do think your husband acted with tact and grace and I only hope if someone is as outwardly ignorant around me that I can do the same.
“He’s just another a-hole to be ignored”, Andi. I also don’t think most people stereotype “all people with X, are Y”. Dude probably had some f’d up family dynamics at work as well. Kudos to Mr. Andi for not laying the guy out.
Andi
Mr. Andi handled it perfectly. You just can’t get through to people like that – if someone is that ignorant to bluster at a man who just proudly told him of his two kids, he’s somewhat of a lost cause. Say a prayer for him, and move on.
I heard a comment like that, too. How I shouldn’t have given birth to Andrew, because it “wasn’t fair” to the family, especially to other siblings – because he required so much more attention. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! But I launched into a bit of a tirade myself. What if my child were normal, but then had an illness later on that made him deaf? What if there was an accident, and he was left in a wheelchair? Does this “you take too much attention” thing still apply?
Then there was the moron who congratulated me for getting him into a special needs preschool. She wanted to get her grandson into a program like that – FREE. So she took him for testing, told him to “act stupid”. She was very annoyed that he “didn’t act stupid enough” and didn’t qualify for services. (I thought maybe Grandma should be tested)
I’m constantly amazed at the selfishness of people like these. And I’m sorry that Mr. Andi had to deal with it.
I think your husband handled it perfectly. When asking for understanding, the hardest part is to give it ourselves. I think that guy had some issues with his uncle that have nothing to do with Ds and I hope he can work them out.
Remember too that it’s entirely possible this guy is kicking himself now for being so insensitive. You never know what happens after you leave an encounter like that.
I 100% don’t think all other people think that way. There is an idiot in every crowd and unfortunately for Mr. Andi, he found the idiot. We all have limitations, you just might not be able to see mine at first glance. And we all bring huge blessings to the world.
First, I congratulate Mr Andi for handling it so well. I would not have. May have punched him, may not but he certainly would have gotten an earful.
Second, I agree with Joey. You can be mad, rightfully so, but then acknowledge that he and others like him are a-holes to be ignored and move on. Surround yourself with those that make you smile and bring a positive spin on your life. Then take that spin out for a twirl in the sun. 🙂
Scott showed more patience than I would have. I’d have decked him.
I’m utterly speechless at the thought of this a-hole to be ignored. The more I think about it, the more I think that he clearly has unresolved family issues that he ignorantly takes out on strangers. (Part of me wonders what his wife said to him later, if anything.)
But above all, I just want to shout out to Monica for the brilliance of her comment, “You can’t stop crazy. And you can’t fix stupid.” I know I’ve heard it before but I needed to hear it again.
OMFG. I think my husband would have punched him, and he can take a lot. Other Guest is a whole other level of a**hole. It’s one thing to think that, and entirely another to actually say it to somebody who has just announced he has two special needs kids – and to continue after said person has nicely told them to shut the eff up. And while I am sure there are a few who 100% believe they would abort, the majority probably realize that you can’t possibly know what you would do unless you’re in that situation.
Honestly, I can’t decide if I would have stomped on his foot or bit him. Blows my mind.
It occurs to me that it wouldn’t matter what he was discussing, the issue was and is him. His problem. Period.
I actually feel sorry for him and his life. What a horrible way to live and think.
Your husband did the right thing in walking away.
Well. There is no prenatal test for impaired social skills yet so I guess we’re all taking chances? That is said sarcastically of course since all of our kids will know better than that by age 12! First of all – anyone who has an ounce of sense and soul would know how ridiculous he sounds and I do not think he is the average person. Secondly anyone might consider that stating those silly ideas to the parent of a child with DS would reveal. … Ta dah…. An a- hole! Hubby did fine but I would pass along why I left the party since I think the world needs warning about these sorts!
I admire Mr Andi for the grace and self control he displayed at his employee’s graduation, despite the terrible provocation from the despicable Other Guest.
Perhaps if Mr Andi had an emotional distance from the topic, and the time to switch gears from such a pleasant celebration during the ambush, he would have thought to say something like:
“From our brief acquaintance I would guess it was you who sucked the life out of your family, because you are demonstrating that skill at this party.”
Alternately, he could have said “I have been told repeatedly that individuals with Down syndrome are much more like everyone else in their family than they are like other people with Down syndrome, but until this moment I had not considered that there would be such a similarity between a self centered creep of an uncle and his nephew. It’s refreshing to know that a man with Down syndrome could express as negative a personality as yours, because so many people promote the stereotype that they are monotonously pleasant, congenial people.”
I don’t know how to prepare for unexpected negative outbursts from grown men who blame family members for their life’s problems like petulant pre-adolescents.
I guess the parenting books would say to ignore the child rather than reward him with attention, but that would mean the jerk’s wife and Mr. Andi would need to start up an entirely different conversation as if The Other Guest was not there. “This is a beautiful room; the walls are perpendicular to the floor and I love that about houses.” They could have modeled appropriate party behavior for The Other Guest rather than indulging the tantrum. I think most of us get thrown off by surrealist episodes, so it’s hard to respond in kind.
I guess Mr. Andi could simply have said, “Don’t be ridiculous. Children with Down syndrome breathe life into families.”
I was brought up to believe confrontational remarks are inappropriate on social occasions, but speaking the truth in the face of a terrible lie is probably what we are meant to do. If we could just find the words in such a surreal situation.
We are taught from the time of our children’s diagnosis to be ambassadors rather than gladiators, as if everyone was open to our calm persuasion. Some ignorant people can be educated by an immediate situation or conversation, others will do better after they have very slowly learned better, and some are quite proud of their ignorance and will carry it gladly to their graves.
When my son with Down syndrome was a baby, I think I put his disability first in unusual situations. Not growing up with a childhood disability myself, I was treading carefully in that role. I was an advocate for Down syndrome as well as being an advocate for my son. I realize now that I should have put Down syndrome aside and clearly expected the same opportunities, respect and support for him that he would have enjoyed without question if he did not have the extra chromosome.
Another parent started me toward whatever new awareness I developed; a man who had himself grown up understanding prejudice, discrimination, and even hate. I am so glad I did not have to wait to be taught the lesson I learned from him until my son was old enough to show me.
Perhaps we can be grateful Mr. Andi ran into this person. I am sure it took a while for him to process the experience, and it might take you a while longer to come to terms with the experience, too. All of us reading about this event have something to ponder that has the capacity to help us grow in advocacy and support for our children.
Reading other responses I was surprised to feel slightly skeptical about sympathy for the Other Guest’s wife. She needs at least to practice a couple of pointed remarks to respond to her husband’s outlandish rants, but I am glad she attempted to divert him. Part of me can’t help but think that those who feel sympathy for her have the much stronger emotional response of gratefulness that we are not married to that man. Relief, gratefulness, and joy.
I know we all do agree that Mr. Andi is just the man you deserve and vice versa. I look forward to reading more about your adventures raising your wonderful children and wish you all the best.
This is an article I wrote about an experience that turned me around a bit:
Dealing with Rude Comments or Behavior in Public,
or, How One Father Raised Awareness in a Toy Store
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art69014.asp
I was somewhat over-prepared for the next event.
🙂
Pam W
SE of Seattle
First of all, Mr Andi deserves a pat on the back and a medium rare Fred Flintstone steak for maintaining self control and responding with grace rather than reacting with fist. Good job that man, I’m not sure I’d have been so composed.
That is absolutley outrageous, I’m angry on your behalf! I suspect that the Offender is regurgitating a pre-programmed message that his uncle was a drain and selfish. It doesn’t excuse him his behaviour because we all have the option of choice as to how we deal with situations, but it may give insight as to how best educate people, i.e. love your child regardless and create positive memories and mind-tapes, not negative.
Somethign that was being pushed at my school, but never really took off was changing the tag Disabled to Differently abled, which I think sums it up perfectly. Who’s to say what the boundaries are? I may be perfectly physically able, but be emotionally or spiritually disabled. Different is good and is still a blessing.
You’re both doing an amazing job, pouring love into your children and living your lives to suit their needs, they are well parented kids.
God bless,
Bill
It is outrageous that anybody still thinks that way. Way back in the dark ages when I was a child I had a friend who lived int he same apartment block. Many years later I discovered she had a sister (I still remember her name although I never met her, June) who had DS and was put away into a home as if she was something of which to be ashamed.
I thought we had moved on in some 60 years but it seems there are still those creeps who think only of themselves.
I think Mr Andi was great in the situation. Who did this guy think gave him the right to be judgmental about another human being anyway? And to be so insensitive to your Mr A.
I love your Nathan although I have only seen photos.:)
Be brave and try to put this hurtful episode out of your mind. If he immobilizes you and your family then he has won a victory even if he doesn’t know it. He has no doubt, put the conversation behind me. Probably doesn’t even remember it.
I agree with Bill, You are doing an amazing job with these two amazing kids.
Judith
Should have said “put the conversation behind him”.
Late to the party commenting here, but I would totally send that guy a Christmas card with a picture of your beautiful family on it.
LOL! And that sounds exactly like the kind of thing that I would do…