Sarah Kate has a scar running lengthwise up her back from surgery on her spinal cord in January of 2006. I told myself when it first healed that she was only three years old; eventually it would fade and be barely noticeable. Five years later, it’s still several inches long and, in a word, ugly. The procedure was done by one of the leading pediatric neurosurgeons in the country, but you would never know it by looking at the skin running vertically up my daughter’s spine. In some places, the white line is thin and flush with the undamaged skin around it. In other areas, it is rough, gaping, and makes me think of how a wound dressed in the field during wartime must look.
Over the past five years, Sarah Kate has worn a variety of different swimsuits. Some of those have been classic one-piece tank suits, while others were modest two-piece bikinis. When we’ve gone to the pool or beach, I’ve noticed people sneaking glances at her long, jagged scar. I can almost hear the questions they ask in their minds. No doubt, they also take note of how her heels don’t quite touch the ground when she walks barefoot, and how her gait isn’t quite the same as that of other children.
Sarah Kate is aware of the scar, referring to it from time to time as her “surgery”, but, mercifully, she is spared from having to look at it on a daily basis. I’m sure there may come a time when it makes her self-conscious – a day when she wants her back covered at any cost – but that day hasn’t arrived, and I’m grateful for that.
Although the scar may be unattractive in appearance, it is also a tangible reminder of how far she has come – of all that she has faced and conquered. It’s a tribute to the tenacious spirit of a little girl who was born fighting and has never, in eight years, stopped fighting. It’s the big ugly scar that I, her mother, don’t mind so much because I know that letting her go under the knife that one Big Scary time probably prevented other less scary, but more painful, surgeries down the road. Last but not least, that scar helped my baby girl to put away her walker, cast aside her canes, and take her first independent steps.
That ugly scar is beautiful to me.
This post actually made me cry. Scars are hard reminders that life has not always been healthy for many of us. Hannah has a large scar on her face from multiple surgeries for a hemangioma that she has had since birth. It has been a constant reminder for her that often people do unfortunately judge a book by its cover. I too have a ghastly scar from surgery that I had to actually diagnosis my cancer 18 yrs. ago. As a teacher of young children it is often a topic that they bring up. They often want to know does it hurt or was it painful. I used to be very sad when asked questions about it, but now use it as a teachable moment to show my students that cancer can be cured.
Your Sarah Kate is a wonderful example of a survivor and a true gift from God! Your writing is also a gift and please continue with it!
yep, the tears…wow. What a beautiful tribute and thank you to that scar, for giving your daughter her independent steps. I cannot think of something MORE BEAUTIFUL.
Great job!
I am crying too. That scar is giving her such beautiful gifts.
THis made me cry. I love mother's love. And I bet that scar is beautiful…in all that it means! Stopping by from red dress club.
So powerful, so true. I love how aware you are of all that is important!
This is fabulous!!
You have a strong young lady and you are helping her to see that her scar is beautiful!!
This is wonderful. I'm sure you must be so proud of your brave, strong girl – it shows throughout this piece.
you know, just because it's a larger scar, doesn't mean it's got to be ugly. I have a large scar running across my neck and i've had it ever since an accident as a very, very small child. I ave always loved it! I embraced how 'bad ass' it was, haha. I've never had an issue with it and actually prefer it being there to not being there. As long as you don't treat it as something ugly, she'll never think of it as ugly. I know that if I were to eventually read this post as your child, I would be so offended that you thought ANY part of me could be called ugly.
I just wanted to let you know how I felt. I'm 20 years old, by the way.
I also love my daughter's scar – it's a constant reminder of how tough she is, and how proud I am of her. Like your scar, it is very 'bad ass'!
But you are missing the point…just because it's beautiful to me doesn't make it something that the world will view as attractive. I have seen the reactions some strangers have had to it; they do not see the beauty in it.
There is nothing about my daughter that is not beautiful, and I tell her how beautiful she is all the time. But underneath her lovely skin are a soul and personality whose beauty are unmatched, and that beauty pales in comparison to anything you can see with your eyes.
This post is very dear to me. Kayli has a scar on her chest from her heart surgery that is quite visible. The surgery in itself was traumatic enough but, especially my husband reacted to the scar dramatically. While not ungrateful for the miracle of the procedure it made me wonder about how surgeons treated/viewed human bodies while under the knife. Did they only think about the mechanics of the functions or did they see the fragility and delicacy that they are cutting into.
We call it her “Love bump” and it has reduced to a long flat scar that is visible in bathing suits and v-necks only. I can see it and love it for the reason it is there but my husband almost cries every single time he sees it. Someday she will fully understand the reason for that scar and I want her to know that it is all loveable. Ahh… I haven’t quite captured what I wanted to say but …Thanks.
Mr. Andi has always been very tender-hearted when it came to Sarah Kate’s differences – the scar, finishing last in a race, etc. I had a hard time with the scar in the beginning because it was SO HUGE on her tiny body. Most of the time now I don’t even notice it, even though it’s still significant. When I do think of it, I am reminded of what a fighter she is and always has been.