It only takes a few minutes of searching on Twitter (or using the r-word counter) to see how pervasive the use of the r-word is in our society. And I’m sure that, to some people, the Spread the Word to End the Word campaign may seem like just one more in a long line of assaults of political-correctness-run-amok. I hope you’ll stick with me for a few minutes, though, while I explain to you why I believe eliminating “ret-rd(ed)” from the common vernacular isn’t about political correctness at all, but about respect.
Rarely do I hear the word “n-gger” in everyday conversation anymore. The n-word is derived from the word negro, which was itself derived from the Latin adjective niger, which means black. In the beginning, it was a neutral word, not a pejorative, but over time it came to be used in a derogatory manner. Today, decent people recognize that the n-word’s time has passed and elect not to use it. Today, decent people grasp the concept that use of the n-word calls to mind a time when a group of people faced discrimination and abuse. Today, decent people understand it’s wrong to use the n-word.
Mental retardation is a neutral (though now outdated) term used to describe individuals with impaired cognitive functioning (intellectual disability is the preferred term today). The word retard (emphasis on -tard, not re-) also has an innocuous meaning, unrelated to intellectual disabilities (like fire-retardant clothing). However, over time, the words ret-rd (emphasis on the re-) and ret-rded, much like the n-word, have developed as derogatory slang for, in the best case, things that people deem to be silly, awkward, or ridiculous, or in the worst case, intentional slurs against people with intellectual disabilities. Unlike the n-word, however, the r-word is still frequently used. It’s more common among young people, but I’ve heard it from people my age, as well – including people that I would call friends.
Last night, Sarah Kate’s school held a silent auction. We did not attend (for reasons I won’t detail here because they aren’t relevant to this post), but a friend called me today to let me know that she heard two different adults using the r-word at the auction; one of the individuals was a teacher at the school, and the other was a parent who is a loved and respected member of our community. It was heartbreaking to know that these two individuals – both of whom are personally known to our family – would not know that to use the r-word is hurtful.
I’m sure that many (most?) people who use the r-word probably don’t ever consider how what they are saying affects people with intellectual disabilities, their families, and friends – I get that. They say it because they’ve heard it said, because people have laughed when they said it, or because they just aren’t creative enough to come up with a better word. All of those are reasons – but reasons aren’t excuses. When confronted, people will often say “…but I didn’t mean…” and while that may be true, the bottom line is that the r-word is never used to describe something or someone in a positive way. Ret-rd(ed) is never a compliment.
I don’t use the n-word, and I never have. My parents instilled in me a respect for all people, and would never have tolerated either my sister or me making fun of any group or degrading any individual. I am grateful to them for giving me that gift of respecting others. I am appreciative of the fact that not only do I not use the n-word (or other derogatory terms for specific groups of people that I won’t repeat here), but that I also feel extremely uncomfortable when others do so. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always say the right things, but this is one area where I’m strong.
I have always hated to hear the r-word spoken by others, but until my son Nathan was born, I always just lumped it in with those other derogatory terms that people said – something I didn’t like and wouldn’t say, but just one of many in the category of Things Not to Say. Now that I have a son with Down syndrome, I can see that the r-word isn’t just one of many Things Not to Say – it is the KING of Things Not to Say. What makes the r-word worse? Because people with intellectual disabilities are less able to defend themselves. Because the people that I have known in my life with intellectual disabilities have had a more pure heart and a more loving spirit than anyone else I have known. Because a person who loves purely and deeply and accepts others unconditionally doesn’t go on the offensive when attacked. There is no excuse for using hurtful and derogatory language that hurts anyone – but using hurtful and derogatory language against the most innocent in our society is completely unacceptable.
If you use the r-word, please stop. If a friend or family member uses the r-word, help them to understand why it’s hurtful. It’s not about political correctness. It’s about respect.
Visit http://r-word.org/ for information on the Spread the Word to End the Word campaign.
I agree with you 150%. This is a fantastic post that many people should read. I am going to share it now.
Having grown up with an older sister who is handicapped, I am especially sensitive to this word. It's flat out disrespectful. It was just never said while I was growing up. Thanks for this post. I'm going to share it with my mother as she's all about this movement. I believe it was last Easter, she gave each of us (4 kids in total) "Anti-R-Word" buttons in our Easter baskets. And yes, if you were questioning the Easter baskets… we still celebrate each holiday as though we're all still young children, for the benefit of my sister. She still gets great joy from these traditions even at the age of 28! Thanks again 🙂
I have several members of my family with disabilities from being deaf to mental disabilities to MD (muscular dystrophy). I think it will be a long time before people stop using this word. It seems only those who have walked in the shoes know exactly what it means.
I found you from the weekend linkup at TRDC
A wonderful post.
I have been guilty of using the word. Not directed at a person but to describe an unfavourable situation. Stupid really. And lazy.
Thank you for reminding me of what I already knew.
I agree COMPLETELY with you!!! I was pregnant and was carrying a baby with downs-syndrome. God had other plans and took that little baby home with him while I was only at 20 weeks in my pregnancy. I was amazed, astonished and disgusted at how many people actually used the "R" word to me when referring to the baby. Like you said, it didn't originate that way, but that it has evolved into something derogatory!! Thank you for your post. You will NEVER catch me saying it!!!
What an absolutely brilliant and beautiful post. And I love that picture. Talk about someone radiating pure joy.
Great post and beautiful children!
just because you find it offensive, doesn't mean everyone does. just because you find the word retard offensive, doesn't mean everyone does or should. sure, it's in bad taste, but to be deeply offended at hear say! You weren't even there to hear the people say it! Now gossiping really grinds my gears. Who says that your friends should have been telling you about overhearing it? And why would they chose to tell you? You're making it so that when people think of the word retard, they immediately think of you and your family. why would you choose to make that association? i just don't understand.
also, i don't use that particular word myself as an insult, i have no problem using it in proper terms. similar to the word lame. i have a drop foot after surgery i had 3 years ago, but you don't see me going around making a huge deal about people calling things lame.
life is about accepting everyone's viewpoint, even if you completely and entirely disagree with it.
@Anonymous – You've obviously completely missed the point.
Great post. Beautifully written and you're right – there is NO excuse for using the word. Ever.
http://loveandchaosreign.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/6-letter-word/
@Anonymous – You are right that not everyone finds it offensive, but that's irrelevant. And no, the two individuals didn't say that word in front of me at that event, but other people – friends! – have done so at other times. I doubt that my presence would have stopped them. As for your assumption that my friend is a gossip – completely untrue. My friend is a fearless advocate and only told me about it because she was taken aback and wanted to share with me how she handled it (she didn't feel she had done enough) as well as discuss with me what she should do going forward. She initially resisted telling me who it was, and only did so because she knows that I don't grudges and would handle it in a mature fashion.
Yes, I do want people to think of me and my family when they use the r-word. It is the only way I know to help people understand that it is hurtful. I want people to remember my beautiful son's face and his brilliant smile and vow never to hurt him again. I know that many people don't associate the r-word with people with intellectual disabilities, but the fact remains that many people DO. The r-word is used every day as a slur against people with intellectual disabilities, and it isn't right.
As to your statement that life is about accepting everyone's viewpoint: First, I'm not sure how you can feel entitled to say that when most of your comment prior to that statement indicated that you reject my viewpoint. But more importantly, you're wrong about that. I accept that everyone has their own viewpoint, yes, and I have mine. This blog is my viewpoint, and I hope that by publishing it I am helping to open the minds of others just a little bit to the things that are important to me.
And FYI – my daughter has cerebral palsy and has trouble with walking. I also don't use the word "lame".
I totally get it, but Anonymous brings up an interesting point. What about other colloquial expressions:
“He was blind to her pain”
“She turned a deaf ear to his pleas”
“That was a bald-faced lie!”
What about saying something is “dumb”? Is that offensive to someone who is non-verbal?
I don’t mean to be smart-alecky. Are these examples offensive? Why or why not?
The first two expressions you listed aren’t derogatory, so I see nothing wrong with them. I also have no problem with the word “retarded” if it’s used in its proper context (which would be pretty much never on Twitter or Facebook or in colloquial use, as it’s a medical/clinical term…) I’m not sure what the point of your third example was in this context: “bald-faced” doesn’t reflect any disability of which I am aware.
As for “dumb,” though it was at one time used to mean someone who was non-verbal, I’ve not heard it used in that context anytime since childhood (I’m 42). Meanings do evolve over time (I fear that is what’s going to happen to the word “retarded” eventually), but in our present day, dumb means stupid, and retard is an insult.
Visit Twitter and do a search for “retard” – then explain to me how the word isn’t offensive.
https://twitter.com/#!/search/retard
I agree that it is offensive – I was just exploring the concept space.
How would a bald person feel about “bald-faced lie”?
For that matter, would a hairy person be troubled by “hairy problems”?
I don’t know. I am a Jewish person, and I have heard people say stuff like “he tried to jew me down” – meaning haggle over a price. That’s also offensive, as is “gyp”, in similar contexts. I believe that “chicanery” is a slur on Hispanics (Chicanos).
Plenty of insensitivity – and hypersensitivity – to go around.
Thank you for your wonderful blog, btw – I find your writing inspiring! (And your kids are adorable!)